Be Cute Eat Fruit
So I am nearing the twilight hours of my first day of completely raw eating. This evening will be the true test. If I lived alone this would be much simpler but I don't. If I had decided sooner than yesterday that I was going to suddenly do this I wouldn't have bought all the ingredients to make fudge, chocolate chip cookies and, two pans of brownies this past Sunday.
Yesterday I declared that I was going to eat nothing but fruit and cake! Today I have had nothing but and assload of fruit and veggies and water in various forms. My body is hating me at the moment. It is totally threatening to kick my ass should I not eat some bread or something soon. My brain is a little dizzy, I suppose it is due to the high it is getting from all the super clean blood. I hate detox. Since I am always going back and forth on this thing I seem like I am in constant detox mode. I am trying to decide whether I can stay cold turkey or if I should wean myself off the sludge slowly. You know, by giving up everything except desserts until the desserts run out!
And for all you crazy folks like me who do everything in extremes and can't seem to ever do anything in moderation check out Be Cute Eat Fruit. This guy is wacko but I like him (as in what he has to say about all this) for some reason. I am like that. I usually find all the wackos endearing :)
Posted by gwendolyn on June 30, 2004 at 05:02 PM
Ride A Cowboy, What? What?
As sad as it is, I do think Big and Rich have replaced Brooks and Dunn's place in my heart. Well, maybe my heart is big enough for all of them.
Comments one might have overheard directly after posting:
Eaton Terry: You admitted to listening to country music.
Eaton Terry: For the whole world to see.
What can I say? I am well rounded.
Posted by gwendolyn on June 25, 2004 at 04:09 PM
Fields Of Clover
What someone might have just overheard:
"Mom, do you have any King of Clovers?"
"Nope Hope, go fish."
Posted by gwendolyn on June 22, 2004 at 04:24 PM
Stains On The Scenery
I cannot decide if I am okay with or completely bummed out over the change on The Cure's official site. I have no idea why I feel the need to post about it either except that I cannot accept no pictures, no words, no ex-cures, no funky little studio home videos that make me so glad that there was no such site back when I was fifteen else I would have never gotten anything done. Nothing is left now, just the obvious Geffen takeover :( Very detatched feeling. Very weird. What the hell happened with that? It was charming. Now it is as if they bulldozed a neat little Mom and Pop store to build a Walmart.
Granted, there are some really good things about the new site. The new design is nice, I am a fan of the artwork and am all for reinvention but my heart is breaking here. I made the mistake of wishing they would add more stuff to it. Update the layout if you must, update the content definitely, even add all the new "buy this stuff" to it but please, oh please, for the love of all that is Fandom, restore the archives.
(Yes to anyone besides me who bothers to read what I say, I realize it is a bit ironic, me of all people, asking for archives after I just closed off four solid years of my rambling to public access). Oh seriously, no one gives a rat's ass what I had to say four years ago or even now for that matter. Dammit, I am a closet fan girl and I don't think I can cope. I want to stomp and pout. Okay, shut up. So I am not that far inside the closet. I am more like still holding the door to the closet open with the toe of my boot and leaning way far out of the closet like Juan Pierre leans off of first base. Yes. I am nearly thirty. Yes, I am too old for caring about such silliness. I don't care. Kiss my tattooed ass.
Posted by gwendolyn on June 20, 2004 at 01:07 AM
What Will I Do?
The debt-o-meter keeps slowly but surely moving down. I make a lot of progress in one area and then fuck up another but it is still chugging along. That makes me happy. I can only sit around and daydream all the time of what life could be like when we have freed up the $1200.00 a month we currently spend on payments to The Man.
I suppose all my expeditions this year aren't helping but after all, one still has to live, donchathink?
Posted by gwendolyn on June 18, 2004 at 06:01 PM
Pictures Of Trickery
We watched the second documentary about the West Memphis 3 last night. Normally I am one unforgiving and condemning bitch when it comes to crimes against children. I am quick to be suspicious of anyone. The funny thing is that I am more convinced that the fucking moron claiming the title of grieving Step-father killed those three babies then I am of any of the three men sitting in prison did it.
You know, in my personal experience, the guilty party will do anything they can to portray themselves as nothing but saintly and honest in situations like this. These three guys are literally begging for forensic testing. The Stepmonster went so far as to have all of his teeth surgically removed and then give three different lies as to the time he did it or reason he did it, all while claiming that he has done everything in his power to exclude him from suspicion. He takes a handful of prescription drugs every day that turn him into a mumbling zombie instead of a lunatic murderer and people are supposed to believe the lie detector test was accurate? That man is so fucked up he can barely talk let alone differentiate between truth and lies. He gave a knife, clearly the murder weapon, with human blood on it to HBO as a present. His wife mysteriously died and no one can decide how. It also doesn't take a rocket scientist to realize that the reason their son's behavior hadn't changed after being prescribed Riddlin is because mommy and daddy were obviously using it for speed.
There was so much deception by the law enforcement agencies involved, there is a judicial system that just won't admit they might have fucked up. It is like a bunch of old men won't swallow their pride long enough to say that they convicted these three boys simply because they could. There is just so much there that is being blatently ignored by the courts. It is a very scary thing. Remind me not to move to Arkansas.
After watching things like this we always carry sleeping babies up to our room and pile all five of us into our bed for the night. It is so easy to take them for granted. I fall asleep so much faster when they are all right there. It is a tad crowded but comforting nevertheless. I think they should make beds the size of a King plus a Twin bed.
Posted by gwendolyn on June 14, 2004 at 11:22 AM
I'm Waiting
The day finally came and we now have our tickets to see The Cure in West Palm Beach. Very exciting stuff. After we bought three I happen to click on the search for just one ticket to see what I would get and I got what appears to have been THE last pit ticket available! I was also on hold with Ticketmaster at the time and was quickly told seconds later by recorded voice that there were no pit tickets available. Is it fate or dumb luck? Either way, I now have three tickets for Section 03 and one ticket for the Pit. Jokes have been made about selling the pit ticket to fund the entire ticket buying extravaganza, but they are going to have to pry it from my cold dead fingers to do so. So now, I'm waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaiting.
Posted by gwendolyn on June 13, 2004 at 10:50 AM
Wishful Thinking
I just had this grand idea of renting a very large cabin somewhere in the mountains between here and Ohio sometime around Christmas time and inviting everyone in our families down to stay with us for a week. Terry's immediate family and my immediate family, including my brother whom I haven't seen in years and don't talk to much (not for lack of trying). A huge log house somewhere with fireplaces and family and lots of cooking and laughing and Christmas tree and presents and stuff. Lovely visions of neices and nephews and grandchildren and mom's and dad's and grandparents all getting along and smiling suddenly faded as I quickly realized that Terry and I could rent the biggest house on the biggest mountain and invite everyone we know and I still bet no one would come.
Posted by gwendolyn on June 10, 2004 at 10:57 AM
To Move Or Not To Move
Well the time has come to decide what to do with the next twelve months of our lives. To move or not to move, that is always the question around here. Our notice was stuck in the door last week and they will be raising our rent $75.00 should we decide to renew. At this point, we have discussed our options and are leaning toward just staying here for yet another year. We can't continue to make huge payments on our debts if we have to move and buy another car and start that whole thing again. We also can't buy an RV or a house or whatever while we have so much debt. So I think it is a matter of keep on keeping on for awhile.
Posted by gwendolyn on June 08, 2004 at 10:02 AM
You Asked
Now I can try to explain.
I just finished reading Charlotte Sometimes by Penelope Farmer. It is a story of a girl who goes back and forth in time forty years trading lives and bodies with a girl similar to herself in a lot of ways but who is growing up in a boarding school during World War One. It is the book that inspired and is, in places, word for word the lyrics to one of my favorite songs of the same title by The Cure.
I got the book simply out of pure curiosity because the song means a lot to me and I had read somewhere that the lyrics were taken from it. I have always been starry-eyed over Robert Smith's writing and couldn't help but want to see what inspired him and if I felt the same about the book.
It is odd to me what thoughts and feelings I have had in the last few days while reading it. At first I thought that the song is really not about anything I felt or related to in the song and it was simply all about this girl and this story. It is an innocent story of just a young girl who is confused and scared flipping back and forth in time. By the time I reached the end of the book I realized that it is about everything I thought. It is very symbolic of what the song means to me, on a deeper existential level.
In a lot of ways Charlotte and Clare became one and the same, so much so that even Charlotte felt she didn't know if she could leave the world she was now so used to and go back to her own life. She had a little sister back in her old life but had in some ways formed new ties to Clare's younger sister whom she had grown to care about so deeply. Yet she longed so much for the familiarity of her real time and home.
When I came to the end of the story where Charlotte was reading the letter from grownup Emily and "cried for herself and the girl who died so many years ago" I realized why those words move me so much, when I hear them in the song. Charlotte was finally releasing all of the pent up fear and mourning and loss and everything she had been dealt and had lived with and worked through, but also she was mourning the loss of someone very special to her and someone that was forever a part of her. She mourned for the losses of loved ones of everyone she had grown to care about.
In so many ways my life, growing up, was such a blur of odd and scary memories and I spent so much time coping with trying to be a normal girl in a fucked up world. When I left home I left a note. It was swift and it was final and I left a younger brother who needed me because he really had no one else there to care about him. I left a baby sister that had, up to that point, been like my own child. Then I married and fairly quickly had my own family and things changed me. I couldn't stay in that world.
Leaving that behind and building a new life in unfamiliar places has eventually shaped who I am now and how I think, everything about me, I scarcely remember anything that was, or how it came to be that it is so different from how it should have been if it had all been normal to begin with.
I can't remember faces, have forgotten voices, even mourned death of people I love before they ever died simply because I know I will never see them again. I gave up relationships and moved to strange places where I have never really been permanent. Like Charlotte and Clare, sometimes I feel like am in some time warp or some other world where my memories are all blurry and confusing and sad.
So when I hear it, I cry for myself, the self I am now that didn't get to be that little girl, I mourn the little girl inside me who died so many years ago because of all of the grown up and seriously messed up things she had to live through and cope with. I mourn losing the memories of being her. I see me as a little blonde-haired blue-eyed girl in my two daughters but they are so different, from a different world. They are glass sealed and pretty. It is everything I didn't have. It is everything I have struggled to protect in them. It is everything I deserved.
I cry for the fact that I feel like my memories are of a stranger's life and not mine at all. How could I have been that girl? However, I am everything I am because I was her. I cry because I miss all the time I have lost. I cry because I am not really a Sister or a Daughter or a Grand Daughter or an Aunt anymore. Not really. Not like I should be. Not like I could have been.
I cry because I was almost a mother while still only a child. I cry for a life that never got a chance. I cry because no one else did. I cry because I was alone and lost. I cry for years of mistakes, my own and everyone else's. I cry for a hundred million reasons.
I cry because I try to stay disconnected yet am very deeply connected to all of those feelings at the same time and nothing I will ever do will change any of it or bring any of it back or make any of it different to begin with. I am in this time, in this life. I am just thankful for that. I survived. I am doing the best I can.
The song has always made me cry. Always.
Posted by gwendolyn on June 05, 2004 at 03:23 AM