Bring It On
I spoke to my surgeon today. He asked me when I want to have the ileostomy reversed and I quickly told him as soon as possible. He is going to get back to me to confirm the exact operation date but it will be taking place on or near the first Friday in March. I can go in for the lower GI study anytime between now and then (oh joy.) and then after a few days of being off blood thinners the last week of February I will go in for the Sigmoidoscopy(even more joy). I am extremely terrified of all three things so I wish I could just get in there and be done with it now. He said that he knows how scared I am and that I shouldn't worry about the sigmoidoscopy because "I will be sedated and not remember a thing." Uh yeah, that is why the last two times I have been sedated I have felt and been aware of some pretty horrible things happening to me and why every person in the room all just ignored my crying and pleading for help. He also said again that it was going to be a very simple operation and that he knows I have been told that before but it should really be a lot easier than what I have been through. Ummmmm yeah. I should believe that because why? Okay, so I am scared out of my freaking mind. There is a very slight chance the third time is a charm and I won't wake up this time. Or worse I will wake up and then have a very long painful death. I don't get much of a choice now do I? Whatever, let's just get on with it.
Posted by gwendolyn on January 30, 2003 at 06:20 PM
Minty Peanut Butter is the Devil
I totally ruined a whole heap of Hershey's miniatures, Hershey's kisses and Reese's cups by putting them into the same Tupperware bowl with several packs of Double Mint chewing gum. The result is ultra minty everything. I like this quality in my Andes after dinner chocolates and my Peppermint Patties but not in a Reese's Cup or Hershey Kiss. So I finally just threw it all in the trash. It isn't like my hips needed any of it anyway. Tupperware blows.
Posted by gwendolyn on January 28, 2003 at 04:49 PM
Trailers, Babies and Addicts, Oh My!
All has been very quiet this morning. I took advantage of that by quietly slipping back into bed after feeding the kids and watching them zone out in front of PBS with the floor covered in K'Nex. I know I should be playing Evil School Teacher but my insides hurt today and my warm bed and soft pillow were calling my name really seductively and since I don't take things like sleep and being able to lay down and sheets without fever reducing ice water running through them for granted anymore I couldn't resist.
I cuddled Hope and her big stuffed unicorn until I drifted back to the dream I was having where we were all living in an addition built on to my parents trailer-up-on-blocks in the middle of the woods somewhere and there was a huge party going on and monkeyboy was kissing some brunette bitch in front of me as I called him every foul name I knew and hiked a sliding baby back up on my hip and went looking for the other fifteen. Yes, I have white trash nightmares regularly. It is preferable to the usual hospital nightmares.
Hope obviously got bored with sticking her miniature barbie doll's hair up my nose and decided to announce to me that she was going to go ransack the toy closet. "Okay baby. That's fine." I, still half dreaming, mumbled to her on her way out the door.
So then the tidal wave type flood was coming down the hill and slo-mo wiping out the entire place, trailer and babies included, all O' Brother Where Art Thou style when the next thing I know the phone is ringing and it is my monkey calling to tell me how much he is Jonesing for connectivity this morning as the whole place is shut down because of some worm thingie. I begged him to come home then when that failed I called him an addict and confirmed that indeed I am still alive.
Normally that is why he calls midmorning. If I am not online first thing in the mornings he worries that I died in my sleep or passed out on the toilet and hit my head again, yes I said again, and that the children are going to set themselves on fire or something.
And now Ima go make some lunch and put on warm socks.
Posted by gwendolyn on January 27, 2003 at 12:52 PM
Invisable Scars
I am having yet another sleepless night. I suppose it is better than a nightmare filled one. It seems I am in the habit now of becoming completely anxiety crazed the moment my head hits the pillow. My body is sore and tired but my brain won't stop and I can't seem to just let go. It keeps flipping back and forth between flashbacks of the most horrible procedures I had to have done to me and all of the time I spent feeling completely hopeless and helpless in my little private hell and the huge fear I have developed of going back again and the overwhelming fear of something going wrong yet again and not making it out at all this time. It isn't like I am flipping out for nothing. I don't want more tubes and needles and pain. The more I think about how much I love my family and my life and how great everything is being home the more panic I feel. I don't take one minute for granted anymore. I don't look at my husband or my children anymore without thinking about the fact that in a split second I could have died and never seen them again. It was a very real possibility for awhile. It took everything I had to just keep breathing. The more I realize how much I really love my life the more I am afraid I will lose it. I still hurt. I am still having trouble when I breathe. I still walk around like an eighty year old woman. I am bruised all over. I get exhausted easily. Not to mention the ileostomy and scars. The shitty part is that I have to go do it again. The hell isn't over yet. I have to go back and trust these people that did all of these painful things to me all over again. I have to let them do more horrible things to me knowing bad things could happen to me and that I could end up a lot worse than I am now. I am having a very hard time with that. I have been through some really horrible shit in my life. I can handle a lot of things. This I can't handle. I almost didn't see my babies grow up. I still may not. I just want this all to go away. I really could use some peace.
Posted by gwendolyn on January 25, 2003 at 04:03 AM
She's Got The Moon In Her Eyes
Something keeps happening to me and it totally creeps me out. I go in these cycles where I seriously think about throwing all of my conventional soaps and cosmetics out (bat poop lipstick and all) and buying only organic natural vegan cosmetics...so I get online and start looking at different companies and products because you have to be very choosy, you know. I would prefer vegan products if possible (not that I am a good vegan because I suck at it) but because I aspire to be...and then I think to myself that for the high cost of these "natural" products I could just use some sort of Witch Hazel and Tea Tree Oil concoction that I already have all the ingredients for and it would be just as good as a $12.00 bottle of whatever the Organic people are selling and so I go looking for recipes and always end up on a ton of witch and Pagan sites. The creepy thing is that I find most of the stuff I find extremely interesting and feel like I can relate to it all somehow. I don't think I believe in love potions or spells or any of the hocus pocus but I think there is something strangely appealing to the rituals centering around very earthy natural things. What is creepier is that most of the natural beauty recipes and concoctions I have found I already knew and have used because the women in my family always used them. Things to do that were always considered "old wives tales" or whatever. If this is the case then I should be all into the hypnosis thing then huh? I guess at the moment I was considering the source more than the concept. In retrospect, I still don't think I buy hypnosis.
Posted by gwendolyn on January 21, 2003 at 04:48 PM
You Are Getting Very Sleepy
I have been spending the week working on just being normal. I have went to the movies with my monkey. Yesterday I actually got enough energy up to clean my grill and make marinated veggie kabobs. Aside from the huge purple and green Sid and Nancy type bruises on the insides of my arms and all over my depressingly horrible mess of a stomach and the chewing up of many pills, I am not half bad.
I went to the home schooling park day today. It was pretty uneventful except for the part where I was offered hypnosis sessions as an addition to all the other unbelievable bullshit people want to do to me. She said it would make me very care free and take away all the anxiety and trauma. That is what I need. I can see now that hypnosis is just what I have been missing. Give me a fucking break. I felt like punching her for being so fucking stupid. So I did what I always do and smiled and nodded politely and tried to find a way to change the subject and go off to find a kid or whatever.
Posted by gwendolyn on January 17, 2003 at 05:42 PM
Look Mom No Tubes!
I made it through yesterday's events with only forty-five minutes of passing out into a deep drooling sleep in the driver's seat of my car in the parking lot of the hospital midafternoon. My mom also dozed in the passenger's seat but said the children were being too loud in the back seat for her to really nap. I bet people walking past the car were wondering what the hell was wrong with us.
I went in to see one of my very favorite doctors. She is the Infectious Disease doctor that keeps the floor cleaner pumping through my veins. I really think she is the reason I am better. She is also a very sweet person. She has told me several times how much she admires me for having so much courage and positive attitude while going through all of this hell and that she is so amazed by me and how I have come through it all still smiling. She also makes a point of rushing to my aid upon realization that I am in the hospital. She even went out of her way to make sure she came out into the waiting room with me after my visit to hug my mom and kids. I wish every doctor was like her. No, I wish every person was like her.
I actually don't remember being very amazing. I remember being pretty miserable. There were a few days of running down the halls pushing my IV pole and doing my best Tom Cruise in Risky Business slide in front of the central nurses station. There were lots of times when laughing at Monkeyboy's jokes made me laugh so much I hurt. But for the most part I cried. A whole lot.
I also went to see my Pulmonary doctor. I was hoping he would tell me I can discontinue bruising the hell out of myself with the shots in my stomach and just take pills but he has me doing both now. At least for another week or so. Then I may get to just take pills. He confirmed that I may have the ileostomy reversal surgery done at the end of February or beginning of March. I told him that it hurts really bad when I yawn or sneeze and he suggested a chest x-ray and then changed his mind after listening to me and said I sounded great and that we would hold off on that for awhile. That still doesn't make it not hurt when I yawn or sneeze. He also condemned me to going to the lab twice a week for blood draws. If I didn't think he was a fairly nice guy I would be really pissed about that whole thing. I guess blood clots in your lungs and blood thinning drugs require a lot of monitoring though. It isn't his fault my insurance won't let me just go to the hospital's lab. Bastards.
Today I am being Evil School Teaching QFU and making Logan redo a really lame attempt at writing an essay from an outline about Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone. I am glad some things are getting back to normal.
Posted by gwendolyn on January 08, 2003 at 02:07 PM
Classy Hobo Wannabe
My mother is coming to the rescue once again. She is flying in tonight to be here for all of my appointments tomorrow, just incase I faint or die or swallow my own tongue or something. You know, all the usual stuff. I am glad. It might be a more pleasant stay for her since I can move and eat and breathe all on my own now. I will be around to be the mom and all that jazz. It should lighten up her load a little while she is here to help me. That is assuming I can keep all of my organs and bodily functions in order and stay out of the h*spital. I definitely need to walk outside more and having three adults in the house allows for that late night stroll up and down the street. I can't walk at night alone. Swamp Thing or Jason or The Boogie Man would get me.
I really should try to get her over to at least see the beach this time around. She was here for nine weeks and didn't see the ocean once. Imagine going back to freezing your ass off in Ohio with that kind of disappointment.
I need some new clothes. I have come to the conclusion that I can only get away with wearing my gray sweat pants out of the house for so many occasions and then I start to feel like I am dressed like a hobo or something. And I seriously need to get my hair done and my eyebrows waxed. I am looking pretty unkept. I guess I could just wear my brown corduroy bucket hat until my hair grows out. It would finish off my hobo outfit quite nicely. I wonder if it is okay for hobos to wear diamonds or drive Jaguars while wearing their hobo garb though. They probably at least put on their good bibbed overalls for that. Speaking of which I really need to pick up a new pair of bibs from GAP or RL.
Posted by gwendolyn on January 06, 2003 at 05:14 PM
I bought a new domain
I bought a new domain name. Very soon you will be able to read all of this boring crap at http://www.gwendolyn.us
When that address works gwencentral.com will be gone along with pale-blue-eyes.com so if you want to keep up with me please make note of the new url. Thanks :)
Posted by gwendolyn on January 01, 2003 at 10:03 PM