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The way I sucked as a homeschooling parent today:

We were happily making this Spectroscope and got all the way up to step 6 and then realized that I had failed to read the directions else I would have known that I had to order a diffraction grating. Duh.

Posted by gwendolyn on June 27, 2001 at 03:52 PM

For all of you non-believers out there who think my normal diet of veggies and fruit and carbs is insane and ask how I could not eat dairy products or meat....I just got back from the doctor and I have gained seven pounds >(

I have gained seven pounds because I rediscovered that melted cheese tastes pretty damned good on just about everything. I gained seven pounds because I said "Fuck it!" and ate a bowl of ice cream two days ago because I was sick and depressed and for the moment didn't really give a rats ass about the poor over worked, overly milk-producing-hormone injected bovine community. I gained seven pounds because I now fit into a size eight instead of a size eighteen and got all overly confident about it. I gained seven pounds because I have grown lazy. I gained seven pounds because it is easier and cheaper to grocery shop for an entire family at one time instead of purchasing additional costly fresh produce and preparing myself special healthy meals that everyone else in the house snickers at and refuses to eat. I gained seven pounds because I suck.

Well screw that. From this moment on I don't give a crap who doesn't like what. I am eating my way and getting rid of that seven pounds and then about twenty more to boot. And if y'all don't like it I guess you will starve :P

Posted by gwendolyn on at 01:29 PM

I am going on day two of my sore throat, ear ache, kidney infection, stomach pain thing.
It really does suck. I have house guests coming for the first week of July and my house is really in need of a good scrubbing. I seriously doubt that I will get any help with that even though I can barely move.

Posted by gwendolyn on June 26, 2001 at 08:55 AM

This weekend I almost had my monkey talked into buying some sort of mobile living contraption. It was so exciting *sigh* But almost doesn't count...

Posted by gwendolyn on June 25, 2001 at 03:51 PM

Right this moment I want to go to the mountains. It really doesn't matter which ones....

Posted by gwendolyn on June 21, 2001 at 10:58 AM

Okay so I guess I hit bottom and now I have to start trying to surface before I run out of air. Today I read a post on a message board for the homeschooling support group we belong to about our lending library within the group being such a great thing as this particular family has very limited space on their boat. Their boat....meaning the one they live on....*sigh*

Why oh why must I have to live in a permanently fixed structure sitting on a concrete slab that doesn't move?

Posted by gwendolyn on June 19, 2001 at 10:01 AM

Lately, I have placed huge restrictions on what I write here. There are several reasons. I guess because I now realize that people are reading what I am writing and I feel the need to live up to some sort of standard. The point is that during this really stressful and emotional time for me I haven't had this outlet. I am bottling things up for whatever reason... I shouldn't think too much about that aspect of it. It inhibits the natural flow of how I write and what I write about. However self-pitying and stupid it all may seem to whom ever may read it, tough.

I am feeling particularly awful right now. This wasn't the day it was supposed to be. I wasn't the me I should have been. The really awful part of it is that I can't go back and do it all over the right way and erase anything I said or did wrong. I can't take back the hurt I wished like hell I hadn't caused. I can't change the hatred anyone felt for me today or any day for that matter.

Some days I just wish I could try my life all over again to see if I can at least get something about myself right the next time around. Some days I just want to go live in the woods. Most days I just want to feel like I do not fuck up everything I do.

I cannot even begin to describe the pure exhaustion and temptation I have been experiencing to just randomly crawl into bed and sleep through everything I feel my brain cannot handle, all of the conflict, and all of the things I feel I have no personal control over. Then the constant insomnia and worrying and a feeling of mourning and failure that I am fighting in the silent hours of laying in bed listening to the sounds of my house at night. It is then that every disappointment I am,everything I am not, every shortcoming, every horrible feeling overwhlems me. I am so tired. I am so sorry.

Posted by gwendolyn on June 18, 2001 at 12:35 AM

My confidence is basically on a huge rollercoaster right now. For the past two days I have been on an extreme high, but today I feel like I fell off a cliff! I have been out and about all day. It felt impossible to talk to anyone. I don't know what happened. I feel like I crawled into a shell. People here in southern Florida are so not friendly! I guess I got intimidated. That isn't what I need to be doing right now. I am putting a ton of pressure on myself though, maybe I shouldn't be. Maybe that is the problem.

Posted by gwendolyn on June 15, 2001 at 05:06 PM

I just made like $100.00 in a little over an hour and I didn't even leave the house! How freaking good is that? Yes.... It WAS legal.

Posted by gwendolyn on June 13, 2001 at 06:50 PM

It was a long week and an even longer hot weekend spent in Orlando visiting relatives. I think I have decided that the getting the air fixed in the van is now a top priority. I don't think I can torture the children much more than I already have.

I spent Friday evening at dinner with a few of the homeschooling moms from our support group. It was a very nice way to burn almost four hours. It didn't feel like dinner with four strangers. It was nice to have some time with people who have been here and done this, and who's thinking is similar to mine. I think we all agreed that in the we were definitely making this a monthly event.

Saturday was spent on the turnpike and then at a birthday party with well over a dozen children in attendance and in the pool. It was nice for the children. It was hectic for the adults. Though it seemed to run rather smoothly considering the amount of children involved. Sunday morning was spent practicing up on my job skills (which was actually more fun than work) and then we were off to another visit with another part of our family. Most of Sunday was spent watching my children float around in a lake that was knee deep, and trying to keep the baby occupied and shaded. The children are sunburned and miserable now but they had a wonderful time playing with their cousins. Then for the evening we were back on the turnpike...

This morning I am just tired and wishing for a quiet corner where I can relax and regroup my thoughts.

Posted by gwendolyn on June 11, 2001 at 10:24 AM

There are a million other things I should be doing. There is laundry to fold, floors that need scrubbed, bathrooms to clean, things to dust, pictures that need organizing, calls that need to be made,business books that need to be studied, training videos to be watched, plans to be made, children to be read to, worksheets to be graded and logged, budgets to be figured out, obstacles to overcome and goals to be reached. So why is it all I want to do is be here right now?

Well....I guess it is decided. I can't sit. I have things to get done.

Posted by gwendolyn on June 06, 2001 at 04:10 PM

I am in serious need of a home office. The amount of stuff piling up on the countertops in the kitchen is starting to get on my nerves. We actually all need home offices. I need a desk at least. The oldest little person needs a bigger desk with a return on it so that he can sit comfortably at his computer and also do his work. He needs a filing cabinet also for all of his completed work that we have to keep for the evaluation. We have three laptops that sit lined up on the countertop in the kitchen area. It seems a little silly looking. I am sure it is a home decorating no-no. Imagine a cubicle farm in your house. That is what we need. I am going to be bombarded with inventory this week, at least I am hoping it is this week or I am in trouble this weekend. I don't have a clue what I am going to do with it all. Trouble is...we have no room for a cubicle farm.

Posted by gwendolyn on June 04, 2001 at 08:09 AM

It is a curl up on the couch-rainy-day weekend here in the sunshine state. I have been so sleepy for the last few days. I think I am finally coming down from the adrenaline high I have been on for the past two weeks. I haven't been writing as much as I should. I will work on that....later :)

Posted by gwendolyn on June 02, 2001 at 07:14 PM