Optical Delusions has been updated. The older images will be archived as new ones are added. Enjoy :)
Posted by gwendolyn on March 30, 2001 at 03:20 PM
Oh, by the way, don't think that I don't have a motive for being so driven about this. I want my RV. First I get rid of the debt, then I talk my monkey into going mobile. How could he possibly say no? Right?
Posted by gwendolyn on at 03:09 PM
Okay, well I think I have a new bigger, better strategy for my war I waged on my debt. I am so excited about it. But it requires that my monkey does his thing, and does it well, and does it soon! Actually "soon" isn't the appropriate term. "Yesterday" would be a better term. Or momma is gonna find a J-O-B she can do in her spare time. Wait...what spare time?
It isn't that we are drowning in our bills. I am sure we could go on making those teeny tiny extra payments each month and keep all the creditors extremely happy tagging them right back on in interest each month. I am sure we could keep on living comfortably, shopping and buying really cool stuff, and putting all of our really big problems on the back burner forever and ever. I mean an extra few hundred a month should make a big dent, right? Ummmm no. It doesn't. I might as well roll up about $600.00 just in "extra" payments a month and light it up. It isn't helping to send "a little extra" here and "a little extra" there. It just keeps everyone, including myself, pacified for another month.
Well, that just isn't going to cut it anymore.
Anyway, if my plan works the way it is supposed to I will have saved $9,337.02 starting now and ending on the last day of June. That will pay off one off my credit cards with a fairly good start (almost 1k) left for the next biggest victim on the list. Then if we play this game right, I will have saved an additional $4,764.91 by the end of November. Which will wipe out that second problem with yet another good start on the next item on the hit list. Then I can spend the first part of next year picking off the rest one by one, which should be a piece of cake after we tackle this initial task. Once things start snowballing in the right direction, we will be smooth sailing. The biggest step is to quit using the freaking cards! I finally got them all into my possession last night and realized that his looked as if they were brand spanking new. Hmmmm. What does this say when I compare them to mine? Each of mine looks like they have seen their millionth swipe. The numbers and letters are all faded and they look like they have been horribly abused. I know I have issues; I am the first to admit that!
How does one get into my situation? It is fairly easily actually. Nine years of marriage, a majority of them being lived in definite poverty, three births, six self-financed long distance moves, fourteen new jobs, seven vehicles, one semi-long-term unexplained illness with no health insurance, two semi-major surgeries (not pertaining to births), hundreds of not-budgeted-for trips to the pediatricians, car repair places, emergency rooms, grocery stores, dentists, eye doctors.... well you get the picture. Things just add up.
Sometimes the money is in the checking account...sometimes it isn't. The world doesn't stop when you don't have money. Babies get sick, cars break down, major things happen and then just sometimes the budget didn't leave enough left to buy food and diapers for two weeks. Sometimes people just spend thinking they will pay it back next check (and never do). Sometimes people just want what they don't have. Sometimes people don't want to disappoint their families on Christmas morning or at birthday parties. Sometimes people buy houses in the middle of nowhere that they have to take huge losses on when they move back to civilization. Sometimes people take costly risks to try make their lives better, or so that they can make more money.
And sometimes, no matter how much is there on payday, it is just never enough. This is how things snowball in the wrong direction. If I had my life to live over again, the first thing I would vow not to do.... have a credit card.
If I didn't have credit card bills, I would have an extra $1,458.00 per month. That is just deducting my credit cards from the monthly budget. That may not seem like a lot of money to most people. But that is a lot to me. Tell me you wouldn't love to have $1,458.00 per month in pocket change. I have a whole litter of children to be thinking about saving for. I want that money. I need that money. It makes me sick that I am burning that money at the moment.
So where do I start? The cards have to go. They can't linger around in purses just begging to be used the minute that extra payment clears and adds a little available cash to my limit. Then the payment schedule has to be reorganized. Every extra penny has to be put toward that one payment (which is the highest interest debt first for me). The other payments have to just be simmering on the back burner with the bare minimum payments put toward them, in order to put every effort into slashing that highest interest debt quickly and effectively. That means every penny has to be accounted for. That means the big "B" word has to actually be followed.
I actually don't hate a budget the way I used to. It is a very easy way to determine where your money has to go and when. I have had a very good one for years. We just don't stick to it very well anymore. It had something to do with that feeling that if you are making a lot of money you should be able to blow a certain portion of it on nothing each check. Bad...bad...bad.
Things are going to come up. Situations are going to test us. I need a big black can of paint so I can paint "$1495.00 per month baby! You can do it! Just say no!" really big on my living room wall. Think anyone would notice? I really hate money. It is the root of all evil.
Posted by gwendolyn on at 02:52 PM
Today I tried to keep busy. I decided to clean out the garage. The oldest little person busied himself with his educational software and proceeded to teach his almost-four-year-old side kick how to play the Fourth Grade CD from the series. The littlest person seemed entranced in PBS and NickJr. today. She spent a lot of her time playing quietly alone in her room. It amazes me how self entertained they are at home and how they just aren't in other people's homes. This left a lot of time for me to do my thing.
I have this habit of dealing with my repressed feelings by cleaning out closets and drawers and storage bins and giving things away. Sometimes this includes things that have great sentimental value to me. I don't know why I do it. But it is some sort of shedding process. Until today I didn't realize that I routinely do this because of my own inability to cope with the changing events of my life and how it makes me feel.
Other people pack things into their attics and basements to keep forever, so that they may dig through boxes in their old age and remember the events of their lives. It is nice to think of some old grandma sitting in the attic with her grandchildren showing them things that belonged to her as a child.
But keeping things I don't use and hauling them around with me from one dwelling to another is agonizing. Even if I had a house that I planned to live in until I died, I would not want a basement or an attic packed with junk. I keep very few things. Mostly things that are very special to me. Things that signify some sort of important milestone in my life and my children's lives. But I have noticed that even those few precious things I have, I end up giving away eventually. As if keeping them is just not an option. I pack things up and send them off as some sort of cleansing ritual. Some people, like my mother, have mental quirks that make it impossible for them to throw anything away. I can't keep anything.
As I sat in my garage today, sorting through the very last box of baby clothes that I have held on to, I came across four quilts that my Great Grandmother had sewn for my babies. Maybe somewhere in the back of my mind I started this project knowing they were there and needed to dig them out. I don't know. Anyway, as I sat and determined which little dresses and booties and sleepers to keep and which to pack up to send North for when my sister grows up and has a family, I began to cry. I couldn't stop. I couldn't send it back down to the place it escaped from. I just cried. I cried because I have lost someone I love, I cried because I have no ties with anyone anymore, I cried because I have no ability to get past the emptiness of it all. I cried because my children are not babies anymore, I cried because I am not going to have anymore newborns to cuddle. I cried because everything has changed over and over and over again. And I probably cried for reasons I am not even aware of. But I cried. A lot.
Posted by gwendolyn on March 28, 2001 at 05:38 PM
Where to start...
The wedding was beautiful. I am not sure about the dinner or the reception because we were in our room with our tired restless children. They lasted through about four hours of being dressed up and well mannered. I can't blame them really. Nothing seemed to go as planned from the start. It was an exhausting trip. I had a lot to say about the whole ordeal. But I don't think I have what it takes to write the whole story down today. I am a bit distracted. Besides, it is all fairly unimportant in the grand scheme of things.
My Great Grandma Marie died Friday. We were on the Turnpike.
Her funeral was yesterday. We were on the Turnpike again.
It came and went and I was oblivious. I wasn't here for the call that I had been expecting for months. I can't reach out to my family to tell them how sorry I am. I can't call anyone. I can't go anywhere. I didn't get to say goodbye. It haunts me. Things happen around me and the overwhelming feelings of sadness fade for a few minutes or hours and then, when it is quiet again and I am left with nothing but my own thoughts, it wells up again. I don't know what to do with what I am feeling today.
Posted by gwendolyn on March 27, 2001 at 09:19 AM
My head hurts. I feel like I have been hit in the head with a toilet. Oh yeah...I have.
Posted by gwendolyn on March 22, 2001 at 04:34 PM
Last night I started to use an all-natural product called Biosculpt. It is designed to burn fat in problem areas while promoting lean muscle development using ingredients that promote your own hormone releases to do the fat burning work. There are no stimulants in the product and it is supposed to be safe and effective. I normally wouldn't buy into these types of products. I have talked to people who use the product, they raved about how amazing the results are and how fast it works and how easy it is to use. So I decided that since I really need to tone the areas that this product is designed to help, I would try it.
I took the first dosage at approximately 9p.m. Three hours after my last meal, which consisted of veggies and a small amount of pasta. I drank plenty of water and juice through the day, as I knew I would be starting this in the evening. I woke up around 4a.m. to soothe my crying little person in her room. As I was massaging her back to sleep I started to feel extremely ill and thought I might get sick so I went into my bathroom. Shortly after, at least I assume it was shortly after, I came to with my husband shaking me and asking me what was wrong. I had no clue what had happened. I only knew that I felt extremely odd and disoriented. I didn't know where I was or why I was there. I didn't remember going into the bathroom at that point. I had passed completely out, fallen on to the stone tiled floor, and hit my head and jaw and scraped up my shoulder and was laying on the floor unconscious when he found me. I still have a headache and backache this morning. I have no idea why this happened.
I called the place where I purchased the product and they will allow me to return it for a refund. They had never heard of anyone having any problems with this product until now. I am getting ready to call the toll free number on the bottle to let them know also.
Posted by gwendolyn on at 10:07 AM
Last night I had the opportunity to listen to Hannah Pick speak of her experiences as a childhood friend and neighbor of Anne Frank. I listened to her stories of their childhood innocence together. I listened to her talk about the confusion and terror that swept over the Jewish community when Hitler's army invaded their homes. I listened to her talk about the concentration camps. I listened to her talk about the filth, overcrowding, sickness and death. I listened to her talk about the starvation and murder. To hear all of this first hand was the most humbling experience I have ever had. There is so much we take for granted in our lives.
Posted by gwendolyn on March 21, 2001 at 10:42 AM
You know what? I think that monkey has a thing for me!
Posted by gwendolyn on March 20, 2001 at 03:09 PM
The excitement is mounting. I don't know why, but I have built this little excursion up in my mind so much that I am now worrying that it will be disappointing if things don't go perfectly. Not that there is even a plan to get messed up. I don't know what is wrong with me sometimes. I must have too much time on my hands. We are going to a wedding. Someone elses. It isn't even my party. I spent way more money and time on preparing for this than I did on my entire wedding. No kidding! Well, we were just in love and in a hurry and didn't really care about all that at the time.
When we got married, we decided to get married, planned the wedding, and did it. It was over within two weeks. I had the "If it fits (and it doesn't clash) it works for me" outlook about the whole thing. We were very happy-go-lucky about everything. The family all pitched in and helped make things happen. It was really nice. Very simple, but nice. These people have planned this wedding for over a year. Imagine putting that much thought and money into one day. Craziness! It is going to be beautiful I am sure.
So anyway, I have noticed in my old age that I am so picky! I spent a very long time picking out my dress and shoes, the littlest persons dress and shoes, and all the other stuff. We planned out our stay and everything. I shopped for over a month for all of this. I am certainly glad that I already had everyone elses outfits ready.
I have that feeling. You know... that feeling you get when you are getting ready for a very special date? That feeling that you have to shine and glimmer and sparkle and be perfect, and even your thong has to coordinate perfectly with your high heels... Ummmm I will just leave that out there for your imagination, knock yourselves out.
Posted by gwendolyn on at 02:48 PM
Long time no blog. I don't remember what I did this past week that took up so much of my time that I didn't have time to write anything. It must have been an extremely busy week though. I found my shoes for the wedding. I love them. They are very pretty. I finished logging all of our past homeschooling work for the month. I cleaned the house a little more often than usual. Otherwise, I don't know what kept me away. Maybe I just didn't have anything to say.
I am getting very excited about this trip to Orlando. We will be away for four days. We will get to see a lot of people we miss from Ohio. We will all get to get all dressed up and attend a fancy shmancy hitchin' party. We are also going to stay at the bed and breakfast where the wedding is. It is going to feel like a little vacation. I think we are just about ready for it too. Hubby needs a new pair of dress shoes, the oldest little person needs a new tie, and the littlest person needs dress shoes. I need to figure out what all to pack. That is probably the most dreaded part of the whole thing for me. Packing a suitcase for five people for four days is no easy feat! That is at least 20 outfits!
I can't wait to see everyone though. The little people are going to be so happy!
Posted by gwendolyn on March 19, 2001 at 10:56 AM
I took my children to a park meeting for our home schooling support group this morning. I thought they needed the "socialization", yes the dreaded S word. I am a little concerned to discover that they have decided that they really don't need anyone else but each other. They stuck together like glue the entire time. They even held hands. Occasionally, the middle little person would talk to the other home schooled children, but not often. She also displayed a strong tendency to stick as close to me as she could, so did the oldest little person. However, the youngest little person didn't want me to touch her the entire time. She wanted to run free and do whatever she wanted. Even if that meant taking other children's toys away and walking out in front of occupied moving swings. Needless to say, I spent my whole morning chasing the littlest, saving her from certain brain damage, encouraging the other two to introduce themselves to people while feeling generally excluded from the adult circle at the same time. I am not sure what we need. But we don't need to waste gas, time, and energy doing that. I am not sure what to do about going to "game day" with this group on Thursday. Maybe I will motivate myself to try again. I would like to form some sort of friendship with other human beings that inhabit this planet. It would be plus if they lived within a hundred mile radius of my house. Or maybe we should just move to the woods and forget about it.
Posted by gwendolyn on March 13, 2001 at 03:22 PM
I do not like doctors. I do not like lawyers. I would not like them with a fox. I would not like them in a box. I would not like them here nor there. I would not like them anywhere.
Posted by gwendolyn on March 12, 2001 at 03:48 PM
Today's mission, should I choose to accept it (like I have a choice): Conquer Mt. Bigasspileoflaundry.
Five people living in one house makes for a lot of dirty laundry, a lot of dirty dishes, and a lot of trash.
I remember a simpler time, when we were just "us"....
No, I lie. I don't remember what it was like when it was just us. I don't think there was ever just an "us". I think it is some rude artificially implanted memory the government programmed into my chip to torture me into thinking that there were actually times when I didn't have to wipe butts, clean chewed up macaroni and cheese and chocolate chips out of the carpet and upholstery, catch vomit in public and still manage to smile and finish my dinner, get peed on, wipe boogers, change bed linens at three in the morning, ground people for life...shall I go on?
Don't get me wrong, I love my children more than life itself. If I had it to do over again I would do it gladly. And I know for a fact that in twenty years I will miss this so much it will make me cry oceans.
Okay, so maybe I will tear up a little while I am sitting on the beach somewhere drinking little umbrella drinks.
Posted by gwendolyn on March 09, 2001 at 10:39 AM
I just nearly duplicated a Chocolate Elvis!
I spent today looking for shoes. Yes, sexy ivory shoes to match the Chadwick's of Boston dress. I didn't find anything I loved. I probably went to every major department store and shoe store in town. It wasn't a productive day but at least I got out of the house, and we walked a million miles.
Not quite as good as the vision I had earlier of convincing my man to stay home from work so we could hang out in the park, lounging on a picnic blanket. We would lay around all day drinking Starbuck's while watching the kids entertain each other...but that wouldn't have happened quite like that even if we tried.
Lately, any experience attempted with my littlest person begins us being ten minutes out the door as she beings throwing a huge crying fit about everything and anything, and ends with in a screaming kicking tantrum as she is being dragged back home. It is so lovely. :( Terrible two starts way too early and lasts way too long.
Posted by gwendolyn on March 08, 2001 at 04:19 PM
Domestic Goddess Tip of the Day:
If you ever get some mysterious unidentified black permanent ink/marker/dye type stains on two of your brand spanking new, supasexy-yet-functional, white Victoria's Secret bras, use Rit Color Remover on them using the stove-top simmering method. I am so impressed! Nothing...and i mean NOTHING else was going to take those stains out, including straight bleach!
Posted by gwendolyn on March 06, 2001 at 03:16 PM
Long time, no post. The weekend was relaxing. Spent a lot of quality time laying around watching television and getting my back rubbed. Nice :)
The laundry is piling up again. It doesn't pay to be lazy for a whole weekend.
Yesterday was spent plowing through the last of the last of our second grade workbooks, organizing our new resources, and data entry on our logs. We did manage to begin our first day of the third grade curriculum. It was a very exciting milestone for everyone involved. I contacted an evaluator who told me I am extremely early and that I could just keep going if I wanted. So, we are. And at the moment, I need to get back to that.