I am plotting war against my credit card debt today. It will be a long bloody battle. I will win.
Yesterday, I spent a majority of the day researching. Terry was amused by our discussion last night about gasoline vs. diesel engines, solar panel powered deep cell batteries, power inverters and generators. Fleetwood even offers a four-wheel drive option! He reminded me that I forgot the deep manly grunting noises that should have followed most of my sentences. A girl has to be educated about these sort of things before she goes out buying a house on wheels.
Since the art show went so well last weekend, we decided to have our first annual family slumber party this weekend. I wonder how long it will take for me to get sick of laying on a hard floor with little people butts stuck in my face and people kicking me in the head. I see myself sneaking upstairs to my own bed around 3a.m. Saturday morning. At least this gives us a good excuse to lay around and eat junk food.
A lot of positive things are happening with this "family club" idea. The children are getting some well deserved and much needed undivided attention. We always think we do everything we can for our children, but sometimes the most important things get overlooked. Hanging out in their rooms and watching Disney movies together makes them much happier than being towed around all weekend doing grown up things. It seems the most simple things make them the happiest. They just want to hang out with us. Someday they won't want to anymore. It will kill me.
I teased my oldest little person that when he was finished with high school at age sixteen he could get his own pick up truck and an Airstream and just caravan behind us where ever we went since he won't want to hang out with us anymore. He just looked at me funny.
Posted by gwendolyn on January 31, 2001 at 04:34 PM
I feel like I should say something. Maybe I haven't had anything say. Or maybe I have and the words just aren't forming pleasant sentences.
Posted by gwendolyn on January 30, 2001 at 01:39 PM
this is cracking me up ! I typed in my own URL of course.
Posted by gwendolyn on January 26, 2001 at 03:35 PM
The time is nearing for me to contact an evaluator. I have a list of names and telephone numbers and basically no idea where to begin. I feel uncomfortable calling people and interrogating him or her about their evaluation style. I suppose because I view the concept of being evaluated as an interrogation process. There are various ways that evaluations are conducted. Each style of evaluation is as unique as the method by which you home educate. There are a few categories to choose from regarding your style. Home educators are supposed to have an idea which category they fall into. I don't quite know where we fit in yet. This year has been extremely experimental for us. I am anxious to have this first year behind me and over with. I am just as much looking forward to the evaluation, as I am intimidated and worried about it. I hope that evaluation is really quite simple and that I have overly compensated in the record-keeping department. I think that if this is the case, I will feel a little more confident and about it next year.
There are families within the support group that I have joined that Unschool. This concept appeals to me on several levels because it provides the carefree aspects of being a child and learning through natural discovery. When I began this adventure, my main goal was to focus on child lead learning. I wanted to nurture and encourage my children to pursue their own interests and learn to think independently. From what I gather, this method focuses on completely throwing out the institutionalized methods of education and relying on the faith you place in your child’s ability to learn on their own. This method encourages the idea of your child as a complete and capable person at every phase of their lives. It encourages trusting that what they know at any given moment is adequate and acceptable. I guess in a nutshell it means that you accept that they have the capability to learn adequately on their own without drills, desks, workbooks, chalkboards and textbooks, without stadardized measurements.
For me this seems a little hard to jump into because I grew up with conventional schooling and because I want to make sure that what I do will be accepted by the school board. Also, my oldest little person started with conventional schooling, and was pretty confused about the fact that we don’t have to sit in desks and raise our hands at home. I know that at the end of the year a piece of paper must be filed with the Superintendent of the public school in our county, that says that I did what I said I would do, and it proves that my child has improved commensurate to his ability. I am confident that I have done much more than that. I think that since this is our first year and we don’t really know what to expect, I feel a little intimidated by the scrutiny of having an official evaluation by a certified public school teacher.
Then there are people who conduct home education with the same methods and curriculum that public schools do. They recreate school at home with the same type of grade/age level books and papers and methods of learning that public schools use. Some order complete curriculums, use online schools, or use private schools. Some add religious concepts to their curriculum based on their family beliefs. These methods, in my opinion, are basically cut and dry. There seems to be very little guess work involved. I have read that a lot of new home schooling families start out practicing one of these methods because they are unsure of what will be acceptable by the authorities, as I have been. But, I didn’t quite adopt this method either.
Then there is the Eclectic method. I think this is basically a free for all. Throw in a little bit of this and a little bit of that, see what works, throw away what doesn’t. Most people practicing this method incorporate a lot of their own ideas and interests into the basic core curriculum. They also work by trial and error.
I think that is pretty much where we are. If I had to pick just one method that describes our current situation, I guess that would be it. But with that sort of vagueness, comes the uncertainty of what will be looked at and how you will present what you have done in an orderly and acceptable fashion. Our portfolio, at the moment, looks like a big box of mumble jumble. There are completed workbooks, completed unit studies, incomplete workbooks, unit studies that didn’t quite get off the ground because we started them and lost interest quickly. There are random art works and writing projects. Then there is the whole software issue. It would be most effective to demonstrate his abilities by watching him use the software. I wonder if that can be arranged. Our big box of stuff is pretty interesting, but looks like we completely were not locked into any sort of routine. I hope that this is acceptable proof for what ever that piece of paper is worth. That piece of paper means very little to me in respect to our achievements and goals. The only thing that piece of paper seems to be important for is assuring me that we will continue to learn at home without conflict.
Personally, I think our main goal this year was to learn to be comfortable in our situation. It has taken a long time to find our groove (not that we have actually settled into one yet), to decide what works and throw out the concepts that don’t work for us. It is difficult to deprogram a child from institutionalized learning. We started our first few weeks with practicing the basic “we are not at school” concepts. For instance, not raising our hands to speak, not having to ask to go to the bathroom, not being denied a drink when we are thirsty, not having to behave according to routine, like Pavlov’s dogs at the sounds of bells and buzzers. There is no peer pressure. They aren’t learning to make fun of children who are different, or that they have to belong to a “clique”. My little people’s abilities will never be categorized according to their family’s social status. My little people will never be just a four-digit number in the lunch line again. There is a lot to be said for raising your own children.
Hopefully, the opportunities that home education allows them to enjoy now, to learn and grow with independence and creative freedom, will inspire them to accept nothing less as an adult.
Posted by gwendolyn on at 11:03 AM
Okay. I give up. I am slowly falling back to earth, reality, and adulthood. There will be no magic carpet rides any time in the near future. We cannot go roaming about the planet like curious nomads. We have a life. We have children. We have responsibilities. We have bills. Lots of them. So far, that has always been the driving force in this family. We go where the money is. The money happens to be here right now. Until the money is somewhere else and there is more of it...life for me means living here. And as much as I have been bitching and whining, it really isn't all that shabby of a life.
I think we will end up being here for a long time. I am going to try my best to just quit freaking out. I still don't know if I am ready to go shopping for a house... but I will try to figure out how to tame myself a bit.
Posted by gwendolyn on January 25, 2001 at 12:23 AM
I still haven't made cookies for the art show. I think I may have to just buy some. School work has pretty much taken up all of our time. It is hard to explain the entire concept of early immigration and the trauma of Ellis Island to a second grader.
I am in some sort of a downward spiral today. I don't know what it is. I woke up feeling exhausted again. I must be running from something in my dreams again. Maybe I need some fresh air. This apartment is suffocating me. I really can't think of anywhere to go today though. There is so much that needs to be done here.
I spoke to my mother last night regarding my great grandmother being in a nursing home. It is estimated that her insurance is only going to cover a few days of her stay. After they stop paying, it will cost approximately $100.00 per day for her to be there. Is it me or does that sound a little insanely over priced? She isn't requiring any special machines or unusual medical attention. She is basically just there so that she can be watched. She is eating now. That is a good thing. I think. It is so hard to know. Maybe she stopped eating because she was ready to die. Maybe she wants to die. It is a selfish thing for me to want her to live. To her, living means suffering. I don't want that. It is so complicated.
Posted by gwendolyn on January 24, 2001 at 11:12 AM
I have spent the last few days fighting a throbbing headache and unexplained all around sickly type stuff. My sleeping patterns have been drastically altered because of the medication induced haze I am floating around in.
Saturday will be the first annual Family Art Show in our house. We need to make some cookies and stuff for that today. I am thinking peanut butter and sugar. Not sure yet though. I may get out my fancy pants cookie cookbook and see what looks yummy.
Posted by gwendolyn on January 23, 2001 at 11:24 AM
More of our silliness brought to you by FOJM.
Posted by gwendolyn on January 22, 2001 at 09:27 AM
It seems as though I am not quite on the same page as my husband after all. In fact, I'm not sure we are even in the same book. When he says he feels it is time to move on, he really means it! This morning we discussed leaving the country. I want my children to see the world, but I sort of thought that would start out on at least mostly familiar roads. He pretty much took that idea and ran with it.
I don't have any objections to it really. Except maybe that I really wanted to be permanently traveling for a while. I can't think of anything keeping me here... except the beach. However, I think that if we were going to consider such a change, it requires a little more than our usual three-minute mulling-it-over time. When we move, it is usually a process that goes something like this:
"Let's move."
"Where to?"
*Insert destination of the month here*
"Okay."
"Call U-Haul and Ryder and start a price war."
"Okay."
Over the next week or so we find a job there and hunt for a new place to live. Then within a day or two after a positive confirmation of employment and housing, I start making all of the address change requirements for creditors, utilities, school, doctors and such. After that, I spend the next three to four days and nights packing. Which means giving most everything away. Usually, we are moved within two to three weeks of the first mention of it. Exciting! Isn't it? There is a lot of stress involved, but I must love it. I do it at least once a year, sometimes twice. It used to worry me about the school issue. We avoided moving during a school year. But now that I home school it suddenly got a lot easier. School goes with us, nothing changes, no trauma.
I am not convinced it will be that easy crossing an Ocean.
Posted by gwendolyn on January 19, 2001 at 01:28 PM
My mother told me that they are planning to put my great grandmother into a nursing home if she is released from the hospital. I think that it is probably the only sensible thing to do for her at this point.
I have been sitting here in the dark picturing what it would be like to pass by her house right now, knowing that I would see no comforting glow of a light on. Knowing that nothing living stirs inside. Remembering the shelves of family pictures that line the walls and the crochet blankets and pillows draping the furniture. I remember a glass jar that always sat in the middle of her kitchen table that had a silver lid. It was a very plain jar but she always kept Club crackers in it. As a child I never missed an opportunity to reach into that jar. I remember thinking it was the coolest thing in the world that she kept her cash in her freezer. I remember hearing painful stories of poverty while growing up in the Depression. I remember realizing that is why she conserved water and electricity and didn’t have long distance service, why she stitched her own clothes and never drove a car. That was wasteful to her. She was taught to be conservative, to be appreciative. As a child I was amused by these realizations. As an adult I am humbled and inspired by them.
I want more memories of her. I want to go back in time and ask her all of the questions I was afraid to ask. I want to tell her all of the things I should have. I don’t want them to pack her life away in boxes and give all of her treasures to people who could never really appreciate them as she did.
These very ordinary images of an old woman provoke the most profound memories for me. I think it is because these memories of her are the most uncomplicated and pure memories of my childhood. She had no ulterior motive for being kind, she had no unkind words to say about anyone (at least not to me), and she taught me a lot about making the decisions in life that are best for me.
I recall the discussion we had when I decided that at age eighteen, despite my family’s disapproval, I was going to leave home and get married at the first possible opportunity. I was willing to give up all family ties for love. She didn’t tell me I was wrong or right, she told me that I had to do what was right for me. That I couldn’t let anyone else stand in the way of my happiness and that if I was determined enough to make it work, I would. Even if that meant she would never see me again.
I wonder what it will be like for me when other members of my family are gone, the ones that I cannot forgive. I wonder what I will feel when the ones who have hurt me through out my life die. Will I be glad? Am I that cold? Will I just feel numb? Or, will I feel relief? I don’t know.
I am reading a book that has sat upon my shelf for quite a few months now. I had spent various afternoons leafing through it and reciting quotes of interest to me that lace it’s pages. But I hadn’t spent much time really reading it. Tonight I am making an effort to really see the words on the pages. It is called Simple Abundance A Daybook of Comfort and Joy by Sarah Ban Breathnach.
In short it is a self help-book. I am not usually a self-help book sort of person. This book was given to me as a gift. I think that maybe by using some of the methods outlined by the author, I may discover what it is that is driving me lately. I want to figure out what all of the things I am thinking and doing and trying to accomplish really mean to me and where it is I am really trying to get within myself.
I feel like I am “standing in a river and dying of thirst” at this point in my life. I know that I have so many things to be grateful for. In the last year I have been given everything I have ever wanted. So why am I still so restless? I know that deep in my heart I am extremely grateful for what I have. I think I just didn’t understand that getting everything you ever wanted in the material world doesn't guarantee that you are going to be mentally or emotionally satisfied. And now I realize that I have had what truly makes me happy all along. And that simplicity in life is really important to my happiness. So everything should be peachy huh?
It actually is. Everything could be as smooth as butter if I could and would just let it be. I need to figure out what it is in my head that won’t let it. Because I can’t spend my life wishing for things to be different when there is nothing wrong with the way things are. I will wish my entire life away.
The more I contemplate, the more I come to the conclusion that shedding the things that interfere with enjoying the simple things that I love so much is, in fact, what I need. I need out from under all of the things that are complicating my ideal life, the snowballing negativity that comes with having the “American dream”. I think now that I am comfortable with myself in more ways; I would be complete if everything around me were simplified. The sky would be bluer, the grass greener, and so on. Maybe I am just crazy.
I have sat down each night with the intention of writing something other than this journal. I want to finish something that I have started. At this point, it could be any of the writings that are contained here, ones looming in other places, or an entirely new project. I just want to finish something. I want that satisfaction of accomplishment.
Posted by gwendolyn on January 18, 2001 at 01:10 AM
I am in heaven! Well sort of...I am so easily amused at the moment. I decided to stay up and do some reading tonight and I turned on the television, a very rare thing for me. And Emeril is doing an entire show dedicated to vegetarian cuisine! And oh my goodness, he is using horseradish! I am swooning. Over the years, I have developed some sort of freaky love of the foulest smelling things! Horseradish, garlic, onions, and shallots are some of my favorites. My husband complains about a lot of the veggies I love. But somehow he always manages to forgive me for stinking up the house, cooking broccoli ;)
When I remember to flip on the television and actually take a moment to look at it, I watch his program. I love to cook. I am in sort of a transition as far as meal planning goes. My son still eats meat, my daughters and husband are vegetarian but eat dairy products, and I stay away from both. So I am learning new recipes and working sort of by trial and error method. I have incorporated a lot of soy products into our diet to try to even us all out. I am not sure that it is working for me though. Also, my husband has a keen sense of what cheese should taste like. If it isn’t Kraft, it isn’t cheese!
I have found that what works best for my body is a lot of fresh fruit and veggies and less cooked or concentrated foods. The drawback to that is that I don’t get to cook a lot. However, I make a very sexy marinated veggie kabob on the grill.
I wish I had more time to devote to cooking and baking.
If we ever go mobile I won’t worry too much about it though. We will live like kings and queens with our fresh fruit and veggies and whatever goodies we find in whatever neighborhood we are in.
Posted by gwendolyn on January 16, 2001 at 11:55 PM
I am wondering about my great grandmother. I have heard nothing all weekend. I keep fighting the urge to call and yell at people for not keeping me updated every two hours. I should be using this time to log school activities and work on some writing. But I can’t.
I don't have a clue what is powering me at the moment. I should be passed out cold. Instead, I am, once again, taking mental inventory and price tagging everything I see in my apartment. This is a sickness.
I am usually more inclined to donate everything I own to charity or to a homeless person on the street when I decide it is time to move on. For some reason I keep thinking that if I could just get a few grand out of everything I own I could have a nice little start on a down payment for a "road warrior" mobile housing unit type thing:) So suddenly, I am conducting a giant moving sale in my head! I also keep thinking about the "kid's stuff" factor. I couldn’t ask them to give up anything that is really important to them. I discussed this issue for the zillionth time with my oldest little person today. He was completely into the idea. I suggested some of the items that would definitely go with us and then he quickly chimed in that a lot of the rest of the items in his toy box were either broken or he just didn't need them anymore for various reasons. I think if he had his choice, he would leave tomorrow.
Despite the fact that we miss certain people, places and things from the past, my children are highly mobile little creatures. Aside from our frequent road trips of different sorts, they have been relocated several times in their little lifetimes. They adjust well, probably better than I do, and we are pretty tight as a family. We are each other’s best friends. That is something to treasure. It is a rarity. Still, I would love for them to get out of “these four walls” and see some things and meet some people and get some real views on the world.
Since we are already a home educating family, traveling provides ample opportunity to make learning interesting without having to put a lot of concentration into books and packaged curriculum. We are a computer-based family to begin with. My oldest has his own iMac, my middle child has her own PC, I have an iBook and my husband has a Powerbook. Yes, he is crying and whining now that the new one is out :) If my baby plays her cards right she will be hooked up soon enough.
Aside from the enormous collection of educational software, we have adapted an eclectic approach to learning. For example, to enhance our workbook completion of time, money, and fractions, we bought the oldest little person a watch, started a Parentbanc account, and let them help cook and play with the assorted measuring items that are in the house. It amazes me the amount of practical learning they get each day without even really planning it out.
Being naturally analytical, my oldest little person finds a way to incorporate science and critical thinking into every thing he sees. He is quizzical and determined to figure out “the reason why” everything is the way it is. That makes my job as his teacher so much easier.
They all love books. My oldest learned to read at age five. His sisters both enjoy being read to. The hardest thing for me to decide on as far as becoming mobile is what I am going to do about our book collection.
Still the thing that strikes me as odd about my wanting to travel so much, is that I completely love the town I live in, aside from the people, that is. It is beautiful here. I don't even have to leave it immediately. I could hang out here for a while longer. I think my need for freedom mostly stems from the feeling of being shackled to the monotony that is the conventional lifestyle. I am not a conventional person. I left the town I grew up in because the things that complicated my life there were haunting and suffocating me. I had separated myself from the situation and still could not deal with being “stuck” there. It didn’t seem to matter where I went or how we lived. It was still monotonous. I keep thinking that there must be some reason for what is driving me toward this with such determination.
I spent the last few years hopping from one “home” to the next. Thinking each would be the thing that made me happiest. At each point in time, it was the right decision for that point in my life. Our lives. Each choice we have made guided us forward into a better future. Every step came with conflict, trials, and hardships. Every move had its good points and its bad points. I have regrets about certain decisions, but not about the actual moving.
The truth is, that if my husband decided that he wanted to stay here until old age, I would park it and be happy making fun of his new crow’s feet and his random gray hair. If he decided that he wanted to move to Siberia I would go out tomorrow and invest in some really warm battery powered socks for all of us.
It excites me to think that we might be on the same page though. It is comforting and heart-warming to know that there is someone out there willing to put up with me. The reasons we started moving around aren’t important. The fact that I have been supportive of his career changes and he has been very understanding of my insanity and supportive of all of my causes is. And the children are just so loving and go with the flow as far as life changes it is unreal. It is all just part of what makes us… “Us”. I am very fortunate to have that.
Posted by gwendolyn on at 12:42 AM
I feel like I should say something about the weekend and the night I had last night. The weekend was pretty uneventful since we couldn't decide on staying home or going to the Keys. We decided that this weekend was not the weekend to do the Keys. So we stayed home and cleaned house, watched the children play with their Lincoln Logs, and cleaned out our clothes closet.
It is sort of a good thing that the weekend was relaxed and slow because last night my eighteen month old little person decided that sleep was for wimps. She woke up at 2 a.m. with a tummy ache and then decided that a movie and some toys were in order.
I did all of those mommy things we do, trying to get her to go back to sleep. I rocked her, massaged her tummy, cuddled with her, put her in her bed several times to go to sleep on her own, and finally gave up and fell asleep while she played. I think I slept an hour or two and then she crawled up beside me and went to sleep for an hour or so. When daylight crept through the blind she was off again. She hasn't had a nap today. She shows no signs of passing out. I need sleep. Soon.
Posted by gwendolyn on January 15, 2001 at 03:38 PM
My life seems to be revolving around strange conversations on the telephone this week. I got a voice message from my mother last night. It seemed like nothing out of the ordinary. There were no warnings of urgency to call her back in the message. Still, I called her right away.
After the normal three to five minutes of conversation about how we all were doing, she decides to tell me that my grandparents took my great grandmother to the hospital. It was thought that she was having a heart attack. The doctors found no sign of it upon examination and testing but stated that she was definitely losing her battle with Alzheimer’s disease. It is progressing quickly. They admitted her for dehydration. It seems she has been refusing to eat or drink for the last three days. My stomach is turning at the realization that the end is looming. I have been dreading this for a long time, yet I want her suffering to be over. It is a strange horrible feeling.
People I have known, talked to, and been friends with have stated that it seems that it would be much easier to deal with the loss of a great grandparent than the loss of a grandparent or parent. Considering their age, the general health complications that come with being older, and because most people spend less time with their great grandparents and more with grandparents and parents, making them emotionally closer to the latter. It doesn't make it easier. It is actually more difficult for me.
The fact that all of my grandparents are living would lead most to believe that I am very fortunate. Yet those of you who know me personally would agree that instead, it is indeed unfortunate.
I don't see or talk to neither my maternal grandparents nor my paternal grandparents. There are various valid reasons why in each circumstance, those of which I cannot speak of publicly. It is not the alienation, but the complications of that alienation that grieves me most. The actions of the guilty, and the guilt of those who protect them, have completely twisted my relationship with everyone I call family into a nightmare.
I cannot go to my great grandmothers deathbed and say goodbye properly. I can't explain to her why I have spent the last three years in silence and exile. I can't tell her I love her and that she is, in fact, the best grandmother I have ever known. I can’t tell her how proud I am that I am named after her, and that my baby is named after her also. I can't tell her that every time I wrap my babies in the hand stitched quilts she made for me that it reminds me of the only times of innocence in my life. The times of visiting her house and looking at all of her pictures and listening to her tell me stories about when she was a little girl. I felt happy when I was with her. I felt comfortable and safe in her house. I can’t tell her how much I wish my children had known her better. I cannot tell her how sorry I am that I had to move them away and never return. She doesn’t know that I think about her, and the people I love there, daily.
What is more devastating to me is that she wouldn’t know me at this point anyway. She isn’t the same person she was three years ago. I am told she has become infantile at times and delusional at others. She talks to her mother who stands at the foot of her bed in the darkness, and rants about her husband being late for dinner. He died when I was a tiny girl. She doesn’t recognize her children and she tries to run away from home. Some days she can walk, others she can’t do anything for herself.
She has to be watched around the clock. I feel badly for my maternal grandmother. She promised to always take care of her and never put her in a nursing home. I admire her for that. I am sure her heart is torn apart right now. I love her deeply despite these problems.
I discussed attending the funeral with my mother. She assured me that my great grandmother would have understood why I couldn’t make it. I felt like biting my lip through. That was not comforting. How could she understand? No one made an effort to explain. Everyone there is bewildered by my actions. Some live in fear of the truth being told. That is my only consolation.
Regrettably, I will not attend the funeral of my great grandmother because of these complications. I blame myself partly. I care too much about protecting the innocent people whom would be hurt by the truth. The people I protect probably hate me. There is no way to explain my actions without revealing things that would tear them apart. Those that judge me harshly have me to thank for their blind happiness, and they don’t even realize it. And in my silence, they never will.
Posted by gwendolyn on January 12, 2001 at 10:38 AM
I just got off of the phone with an old friend. It is strange that she called me today, considering my mood. She was my best friend in high school, my maid of honor in my wedding, and probably one of the nicest people I have ever been friends with. Our conversation about her seven month old son, whom I have never seen, and the fact that she said she thinks of me everyday and misses me being there depressed me even more. Time and distance has come between us.
She lives in that town. The one I could never live in again. She has always, and probably will always live in that town. She still sees the people we went to school with. She knows who is pregnant and who is divorced. She knows what is going on with everyone there. It is a strange blast from the past when we talk. Like walking through a scene from a previous life. Sometimes I can't even put names to faces from those years. It makes me nostalgic and sad in some ways. And in some ways, it makes me see how much has changed and how different my life is now. And it reminds me to be grateful that I have changed and that I moved on. But still, I miss her.
Posted by gwendolyn on January 10, 2001 at 03:14 PM
I need a vacation desperately. I am talking about physical and mental need to be away from everything that is the daily grind. I think I am just in need of different scenery, different smells, and different people. I need something inspirational. I need something to put me in touch with the feelings and ideas that are buried at the moment.
I am in love with the idea of giving everything we own away and buying an RV and traveling around meeting people and seeing things we normally wouldn't ever see in this lifetime. Giving our children hands on lessons about what it is like to be alive, and writing about everything we experience along the way, the culture, the food, and the lives of the people who we find interesting.
I used to dream of owning a house with a lot of nice sparkly things inside. Having a big yard and nice neighbors, planting our feet firmly and living happily ever after. But all of this moving and shedding our skin and our pasts is so refreshing. Reinventing our lives and our futures seemingly every August :) is a much more appealing way of life to me than sitting on the same front porch watching the same cars drive by for the next fifty years or so.
The weird thing is that I usually only get these roaming urges every year or so. It is becoming more of an obvious need for me. We just got here and I am already ready to pack it up and move on. I wish everyone in my house felt the same. Or maybe I need them to keep me in some sort of reality check.
I must admit that this comfort binge on fresh broccoli and carrots isn't quite as pleasing as say...a box of Godiva. But considering the length of time I would have to spend on the treadmill to work off an entire box of Godiva, I will stick to the veggies. I also keep having to remind myself that I gave up dairy products and that chocolate is the devil. It is just so damned hard when it tastes so good!
I am definitely a person with an addictive personality. You name it, I can get addicted to it with a quickness. I guess it is in my family gene pool somewhere. I come from a long line of addicts of different sorts. I guess it is a good thing I never took up smoking crack then, isn't it?
Posted by gwendolyn on at 11:58 AM
Find out what your white trash name is. Mine is Elijah Dave DuChamp.
Posted by gwendolyn on January 09, 2001 at 09:58 PM
I am going to finally go down to the fitness center and work out. It has been well over a month since I have done anything resembling a crunch.
I want to buy rollerblades. Isn't that so southern Florida like? I think rollerblades would be good for working my legs and rear end. I have yet to see a lady with a big ass rollerblading down my street. So it must be good for that, right?
Later tonight I am going to dig deep into the big pile of unfinished writing projects and pull out something to work on while I have a glass or two of Tollo Trebbiano D'Abruzzo. So there should be something new to read added to the already existing nonsense.
I hope the wine will make me sleep. I have the strangest nightmares every night. Terry thinks that I should write about my dreams. They are pretty messed up. People would definately think I am a freak, not that they don't already.
Posted by gwendolyn on at 07:59 PM
I have a plan this morning and things are looking brighter :) I won't feel better until everything is actually in motion and my little people are excited and sparkly again. Not that they don't sparkle all of the time, but I can tell spending 24/7 for the last nine months with yours truly has rubbed a little of the sparkly off. Or maybe it is my overly active imagination. Either way it's going to get better.
On another note, check out FOJM. It is a really interesting place. People can submit pictures of their reflections. Here I am.
Posted by gwendolyn on January 08, 2001 at 11:49 AM
I am having one of those moments. The one where I lay in bed exhausted and wanting to pass out, but the mind is reeling about the zillion different obstacles and insecurities that I have to overcome. As I lay there willing myself to close my eyes and let it all go, I question every decision I have made as a parent, and a home educator. It seems to be that my moments of terrifying self doubt wait until I really need to go to sleep to creep up on me.
My husband made the comment yesterday as we contemplated vacation destinations , that we live "on vacation" and that we should go somewhere where we actually know people for a few days. It is true. We live in a very vacation-like setting. The weather is beautiful all of the time, and there is plenty to do. I love it, but it has it's drawbacks. Can you believe it? I know I should be shot. There are people in Russia with temperatures of -50F. But I bet they have other people around to cuddle with.
We have met very few people here. None that are more than casual aquaintances. And none that we feel that our lives are compatible with enough to spend a lot of time together. Sometimes I really miss interacting with our families, my children miss them all very much. I just don't see myself ever moving back to our hometown. I have done it several times, each time I was very anxious to move on again. I just can't live there. For so many reasons...I just can't.
My children are educated at home for various reasons that I could spend days upon days discussing at great length. I am a firm believer that I am doing the greatest thing in the world for my children. It is up to me to provide them with opportunities to interact with other people. I think it is very important for them to be involved with other children as well as people of all ages. I also am afraid that I am failing in that aspect of this whole thing. And it is eating me alive. I really must find something that interests them within our community. Something fun,educational, and social to involve them in. The trouble is mostly with timing and resources. Apart from actual work book lessons, managing the housework, errands, finances, and various appointments we all require, along with stealing a few hours a day spending fun time with each other, there really is no time left. We are a very busy family without adding anything to the mix.
I have joined a support group for home educating families in our county. The trouble there lies mostly with the distance we live from everything they seem to offer. We have one vehicle so that is a constant juggle. I have also have had traumatic encounters with some people within that group that I don't think are good for my children, or any children for that matter. Long story. The point is that being in a support group doesn't always mean making tons of friends and living happily ever after. Sometimes, it means you learn the hard way that some people who claim to care about children and other people in general are hateful, self centered gossips and liars.
So this is becoming a huge challenge for me. I have very young children that would be in tow for anything I might get the older one involved in. Sometimes that creates conflict in itself. The middle child also really needs to be involved in things of her own. I am aware that mothers around the globe accomplish these things with very little complication all of the time. Maybe I have a lot on my plate right now. Maybe I am just sleep deprived.
I am just having a moment of panic, that's all. Tomorrow is a new day and a new adventure. Maybe something exciting will happen :)
Posted by gwendolyn on at 01:17 AM
Today was an interesting day. It started out strange and edgy and went downhill from there. But all of us survived.
It all started with me being extremely irritable in the outfit I chose for our outing. I should have changed when I realized I wasn't going to be comfortable, but as always, I was rushed along because I was already ready and none of us including me wanted to wait around for me to change. Ever have one of those days when you just aren't in the mood to wear certain things?
We went to Lion Country Safari. Which is always very entertaining. But before we set out on our trip we had to stop at the bank. No big deal, right? Wrong. The lines were backed up clear into the intersection before you turn into the parking lot of the bank. As always, the southern Florida drivers (who should all be shot) don't believe in stopping for lights or stop signs, letting the first person stopped at the intersection go first, putting on their turning signals...ever, or looking to make sure no one is going to hit them before they change lanes. This led to a rather loud verbal exchange or two with other drivers accompanied by lots and lots of honking and name calling back and forth.
When we finally did get into the parking lot, the atm decided it was going to let you go through the motions of withdrawing cash without actually giving you any. I would love it if this worked in the opposite manner, wouldn't you? It would be so great to go to the bank, fill out your deposit slip, smile and wish them a good day, and not actually have to give them your money.
So after verbally assaulting the atm... we had to fight our way out and drive over to another branch to get out cash. Where we spent a great length of time at that atm printing and studying balance statements trying to determine if the previous error had actually been deducted from our account. The stupid statement will probably cost me $5.00 to print, bastards. They get you coming and going!
At this point we should have trusted our instincts and went home, gotten into our comfy flannel pajama bottoms and crispy white (warm out of the dryer) t-shirts and hid under our covers for the rest of the day. Lovely thought isn't it? :)
So then we decided to go for a late breakfast, which went rather smoothly. We went to LCS and a great time was had by all, as usual. Minus my unexplained uncomfortablness, almost uncontrolled sleepiness, and the headache that accompanied it. It was afterward that we had problems again.
We decided to stop in at a restaurant for dinner. It was even at a decent hour, I was so excited. The children were excited. It should have went off without a hitch. But of course, it didn't.
We added our party to the waiting list and spent a very long time trying to make the three children behave until we were called upon to be seated. After we watched four parties arrive and get seated ahead of us ( a couple were parties of equal amout of people in them), we had a little verbal exchange with the hostess, got pissed off, and left.
All of the way home, we debated on dinner. No one could agree on what they wanted. My littlest little person threw up on herself in her seat. I think she was either car sick or she choked on a small amount of paper she decided to eat from one of the pamphlets I let her look at. And being the wonderful mommy that I was I spent the last ten minutes of the drive cleaning her up with diaper wipes and cuddling her smelly, cold, naked torso in the extra sweatshirt I had brought along for myself. And hugging and kissing her all the way. She was still mad because I wouldn't let her out of her seat belt. So, despite the effort, it wasn't a pleasant ride.
Finally, after the seemingly three day drive home, we arrive with three tired and cranky children, an hour after bedtime. I ordered them pizza. And cleaned them all up. They are all now sleeping snug as bugs in a rug. Hubby is passed out on the couch holding the littlest one. I am in my comfy pajamas. Thank god it is over. Tomorrow I refuse to do anything except bond.
Posted by gwendolyn on January 06, 2001 at 10:56 PM
a link I found while I was amusing myself yesterday...
Gwendolyn
"Your name of Gwendolyn makes you easy-going and refined, but detracts from your physical vitality. You desire all the finer things in life--lovely clothes, home, furniture, and environment. However, procrastination is your worst enemy, and you find yourself lacking the ambition to make your dreams a reality. People are inclined to take advantage of your sympathetic, tractable nature. You naturally attract people with problems who seek your understanding and advice. You can give good advice although it is unlikely that you would follow it yourself. You would be most successful in situations where you can use your skills in diplomacy in handling people, but where you are not under pressure or required to carry responsibility and make decisions. It is difficult for you to be individual and make your own decisions, for you lack self-confidence. Your desire for sweet, rich foods could cause overweight, circulatory problems, or weakness in the kidneys."
Posted by gwendolyn on January 05, 2001 at 09:11 PM
All of my little people are coloring. My three year old told me the greatest story today. She was recounting her adventure aboard the Apollo 11 "Man on the Moon" mission. She was giving great details about what she did while she was on "the space ship". She told me all about how she stayed inside and ate waffles on the "space ship" and that is why you can't see her being plucked out of the ocean along with the other astronauts on the picture we have of the splashdown. When asked about her fellow astronauts, she replied that she knew them but that she couldn't remember their names.
Posted by gwendolyn on at 02:47 PM
I have progressed to some higher level of Motherdom. I am walking around here making honey toast for one tutu clad little person and her brilliant half pint counterpart, dancing like a teenage raver to “Wheels on the Bus Go ‘Round and ‘Round” and breaking into my Solid Gold dancer routine every time I hear Sesame Street start into a preschool tune. At the moment, I am the coolest mom in the universe.
I need fruit, fresh fruit. I need a detox from last night. Blah.
I have gotten into the habit of having my laptop on the kitchen counter for various reasons. This is primarily because I can’t function as a normal human being without it turned on now. I have to have it for making and collecting recipes, composing healthy non-artery-clogging grocery lists, doctor appointment scheduling, and just about every other thing that falls into the high-tech housewifery category. Unfortunately, my iBook didn’t come with a splashguard and I think I have salt in my clicker. It is amazingly annoying. Anyone out there have a good remedy for salty clickers? I debated vacuuming it out this morning. I might get to it.
We have a critical thinking/writing activity that involves the space program that I would like to tackle today. I could easily drag out my stash of Kennedy Space Center paraphernalia, but wouldn’t I be a much cooler mom if we just hopped into the car and took that three hour drive to go see the Saturn V rocket in all it’s glory? Possibly. And I would do it too, if I weren’t so comfortable in my pajamas.
Posted by gwendolyn on at 10:19 AM
Is there anything sexier in all this world than Starbucks Caffè Mocha? Well, yeah of course there is. But I want to talk about Caffè Mocha right now. I cuddled up with a rather large hot cup about an hour ago and now I am crankin' on caffeine. I am not used to drinking stimulants. It is one of those things that makes you want to run an overflowing bubble bath, light vanilla candles, and soak for two hours with it and a trashy novel. Until you start to feel the effects of it. Then I usually become antsy.
I don't consume animal products. And I have been giving myself a huge complex about the fact that I am positive it is loaded with dairy. But it is one of those things that I have to have on occasion. I have an esspresso/cappuccino machine. I could substitute vegan ingredients I suppose. Not sure if it would work though. I may have to try it.
I have to comment on the CD I am listening to at the moment. I am not one to have lengthy conversations about music, mostly because I have a horrible habit of committing artist names, album titles and song titles to my short term memory. So even though I love music, I rarely talk about it. I end up saying something utterly blonde like "you know...that one song, by that one band." See...
I am listening to Eat at Whitey's by Everlast. I have had this CD in both my vehicle and my laptop for about two months straight. I went somewhere yesterday morning and realized it was left at home and almost had a nervous breakdown over it. I am completely addicted to it. It is musically perfect. Lyrically, in my opinion, Everlast could use some creativity. But I still love the whole thing. I really like his voice. I really love the way all of the instruments are used in these tracks. It is just good :) A must have for any collection. Babylon Feeling, One And the Same, Graves To Dig, and Love For Real are some of my favorites. Love For Real is probably my favorite. But I like all of the tracks. My mother-in-law visited a few weeks ago, she called me a couple of days ago to ask me the artist and title of the CD so she could buy it. We listened to it practically the entire time she was here. It is so addictive.
Posted by gwendolyn on January 04, 2001 at 10:44 PM
I submitted a picture of one of my tattoos at DiK if anyone is interested in checking that out.
This morning we are trying to burn up our blender. My little people and I are creating new smoothie recipes. They even wrote their own recipe on paper. Very cute :-) I don't have the heart to tell them that a smoothie containing frozen strawberries, bananas, honey and OJ isn't exactly a new concept. I like that they think they created something all on their own.
Time to hit the shower and get on with my domestic goddessness...
Posted by gwendolyn on at 11:04 AM
I have spent a majority of the afternoon working on updating my home schooling log. It is tedious and I know there are much easier ways to accomplish the same goal. The best way I can think of would be to keep an audio log. I need a digital voice recorder for my visor. I want a GPS for it too. I don't want much do I? I don't know who is becoming more of a electronic gadget freak, me or my husband. It scares me.
My son is using Photoshop to create graphics for his site his dad is going to build. I guess I could blog his daily info. But audio would be so much less work. Maybe I could also scan samples of his work. He already has tons of pictures he has created in Photoshop to put in there. It would be an online portfolio for his evaluation at the end of the year. The whole concept rocks.
I am going to make a conscious effort to start working out again. I keep telling myself it is the only way I am going to ever get what I want. Surgery and recovery made me lazy. I would rather have someone to do it with. Working out alone blows.
Posted by gwendolyn on January 03, 2001 at 04:03 PM
This site was created as an outlet for me about me. The nature of most of the material here doesn't exactly portray me as the typical wife, mother of three, home schooling mom that I am. I guess because there are extreme different aspects of my life and what I am about , some may think that the different parts of me wouldn't compliment each other in the same picture. That may or may not be true. But who is really to say?
Hence, this place was going to be just about "me". But as time ticks on, I realize more and more that it is impossible to separate the different parts of my life, or leave anything out, because in essence the different faces I wear are what make me who I am. The different roles I play in my life are what inspire and drive me. Isn't that true for everyone? It is something to be celebrated, not separated.
So while this place was created, and will continue to be, an outlet for the "creative" and "individualistic" part of me, it will have to include the rest of me also. My family is my life. They keep me breathing. They are what makes me whole. They are why life is worth living. They are my happiness. So prepare.
Posted by gwendolyn on January 02, 2001 at 09:31 PM
I have decided that I don't have any New Year resolutions. I know there are plenty of things that I could resolve to give up and/or accomplish this year, but I am just not going to put any added pressure on myself. At the moment I am just going to be happy with the things I have overcome and accomplished over the past year. I think I will just relax and use this time to figure out what ever it is I need to do to keep improving on my life in general. But I am not going to set any unrealistic goals. I do that every year. Disappointing myself gets really old.
As for all of the "projects" I am currently working on, I need to buckle down and really spend all of my energy and thought maximizing the potential of what I have started. I keep thinking of new and interesting things to take on and then realize quickly that I don't have any more time or energy to devote to new things.
Posted by gwendolyn on January 01, 2001 at 11:25 PM