Fear and Loathing In Ohio

Last week.

Last week was a strange week. I should start by saying that last weekend, Not this past weekend but the weekend before (despite a sunburn that would make Ra so proud) was probably one of the best weekends I have had in a long time. We went to the Sarasota county fair. This doesn't mean anything to most people but when you grew up in my town, fair week was what was goin' on. Even the schools shut down for the week of the fair. That is where you saw people. That was a week of staying out late and eating junk and hanging with your friends. It was always the first week of September, sometimes my birthday would fall during fair week which was added excitement for me. When I wasn't grounded during fair week, I was there. As much as one could be, that is, for being so poor. Later in my teen years, I was too fucking cool for the fair. That and I was in perpetual prison. So I am speaking of fair weeks up to about age thirteen.

Anyway. One of the things that is better about fair week when you are a grown up... ATMs. There is no running out of money. I ate like I had never heard of Raw food. There are certain events in your life where you just have to set some priorities. During the week of a county fair you get a "get out of jail free card". No one can blame you when Elephant Ears, Funnel Cakes, French Fries, and Italian Sausage with grilled onions and peppers and Cotton Candy become top priority. Not that I was asking for approval.

So, my kids were smiling like I haven't seen them smile for a very long time, maybe ever. I was having a very good Saturday. All was well. Except for one thing.

The call we got saying there had been a death in the family. Terry's family. Someone Terry felt very close to as a child. So, Sunday morning we packed up, left for home, unpacked, repacked, and headed North.

The following four days were spent driving, being at the visitation and funeral and then trying to visit with people we needed to see. People who are either getting on in years, or haven't been well lately. In between that time we got to sort of see everyone else and have a birthday party for Savannah and Terry's mom which was cool. that was probably one of two highlights of the whole trip.

The other being the stars actually aligning long enough to see two of my mother's brothers and my cousin sitting across the lunch table from me for two hours. That was a really important moment for me. It was kind of a moment of clarity and peace. I realized a few very important facts during that lunch. Some very bittersweet revelations, as it hasn't happened for the last eight years and very likely will never happen again. I took comfort in the fact that in some ways they are still the same two people that they were when I was Hope and Savannah's age. That was a happy thing for me to get to see for an hour. A glimpse into my childhood memories. The sad part was seeing how much they have aged. How sick one is. How much they aren't they way I remembered. They aren't the young men they once were. This doesn't seem as noticeable when you see people once or twice a year. When you go away for eight years it makes a big impact. I had really been glad to see them together. That is when you get to see a glimpse into the past. The things they say and how they act when they are together makes all the difference. I do realize now, however, that things are not like the old days. They don't have big family get-togethers and play music and do all of those things I miss. They just don't. It is gone.

I realized that and that no matter how much I try I will just never ever get some things back. I have to just stop trying to go backward, just let go.

It is kind of weird to me that I just wrote about my paternal grandmother on St. Patrick's Day and how I drive past her house when I am there. She lives nearly 1200 miles from my house yet not a week after writing that post I drove past her house again. I thought of what I had written on St. Patrick's day. A little feeling of panic kind of bolted through me. There were no lights on. It was dusk but not late. I know her phone number by heart yet I have no way of knowing why her house was dark. I can't seem to find whatever it is going to take to for me call her or stop in there. The whole thing disturbs me. It is some sort of inner struggle for me to figure out if this is one of those things that I need to try to get back or just let go of.

Thursday and Friday were spent on the Longestdrivesoutheverattemptedbyanyoneever. Then we slept and did other recovery type things and talked and analyzed and then slept more.

Reflecting on a week like last week is like trying to decipher some weird dream that you aren't really sure if you dreamed it or it happened the way you are remembering it. Bits and pieces seem unrealistic and it all kind of runs together like a train wreck.

Posted by gwendolyn on March 29, 2005 at 02:12 PM