Catch

During my many years of teen angst I spent most of my time locked away in my black room with my black lights making my gigantic posters of Robert Smith look even more scary than they already were. To school, I wore my black combat boots with my long black skirts and long sloppy black shirts. Most of the time I wore men's clothes that were big, baggy, shapeless, and conservative. My long straight blonde hair parted to the side, generally covering up one eye completely, after all, I was in my own little world anyway. Black nails. Silver jewelry. Red lips.

My friend Lee and I took up smoking cigars on our lunch breaks wherever we happened to be, usually with Terry on some back road. I took up sex, comic books and power drinking. Nine Inch Nails, Depeche Mode, The Smiths, The Cult, REM, Misfits, Danzig, Sex Pistols and countless others singing constantly in the background of my drunken life. As Henry would say, I was writing with black ink on my black paper, all of the deep dark thoughts in my head. This is how I spent my time. It was lovely. I miss it a lot sometimes.

Terry was the big influence in my musical taste. He pretty much introduced me to everything I listened to during that period of time. Before that I only really listened to old Rock. Jethro Tull being one of my favorites, of course. I wasn't into much pop music in the 1980's. I was impressed with Madonna's balls. I wanted to marry Bruce Springsteen. Until 1989.

After that I just wanted to marry Terry. Or Robert Smith. Whichever one asked me first.

Now I see kids on the street who look like that all the time. Today it isn't unusual at all. Sometime along the timeline it went from being alternative to main stream. I think they call themselves Goth. Now I hear Love Song on the Muzak in the grocery store. It makes me cringe and I don't know why. Pictures of You is now some theme song for a commercial. It all makes me die a little inside.

In 1989, I was the only girl in my little midwestern town like me. It wasn't the cool thing to do. Other girls my age didn't have pictures of Robert Smith plastered all over everything they owned. Other girls didn't wear men's clothes or wear combat boots. Looking back I am so glad I wasn't like the other girls. Even with all the horrible things that had happened to me before I met Terry and the depressing situation that was a miscarriage at fifteen and then constant turmoil and solitary confinement at home for the rest of my years there, I liked who I was and what I was.

May 2, 2004 I am going to Indio, California to Coachella to finally see The Cure play.

I always cry when I hear this song. I sometimes felt like it could have been written about me. I cried a lot for a girl who died so many years before.

Charlotte Sometimes- The Cure

Posted by gwendolyn on February 18, 2004 at 04:01 PM