STYLE
Quiet
Loud
Muted
Whisper
Scream


RECENT ENTRIES
Can You Feel A Little Love?
Just Like Every Day
Holes In The Head
He Said She Said
Your My Best Friend


ARCHIVES
February 2005
January 2005
December 2004
November 2004
October 2004
September 2004
August 2004
July 2004
June 2004
May 2004
April 2004
March 2004
February 2004
January 2004
December 2003
November 2003
October 2003
September 2003
August 2003
July 2003
June 2003
May 2003
April 2003
March 2003
February 2003
January 2003
December 2002
November 2002
October 2002
September 2002
August 2002
July 2002
June 2002
May 2002
April 2002
March 2002
February 2002
January 2002
December 2001
November 2001
October 2001
September 2001
August 2001
July 2001
June 2001
May 2001
April 2001
March 2001
February 2001
January 2001
December 2000


OTHER VOICES


MISCELLANEOUS
Webcam

Somebody Fix Me, Please

I have spent several cozy days with my other four family members, making iced sugar cookies from scratch for the children, decorating the house, shopping, driving around, going out to eat comfort food that won't make me sick, drinking various warm beverages with the seat heaters on and the sunroof open for that very perfect mix of cool and warm that is so hard to get in Southern Florida except for these few precious weeks in December and January.

I am pretty happy. Anything to be with my family. Here. No Morphine.

Still there is something really bothering me.

First I have to just emphasize that I am so grateful not to be in the hospital right now. One year ago I was just sitting there with no hope of improvement, drugged up on Percoset, coming down off Morphine, uncomfortable, just trying to sleep occasionally (sitting up at a 90 degree angle), trying to breathe into my little plastic tube and make the ball stay up above 400 and promising the Pulmonary doctor that I would get it to go all the way up to the top when really all I wanted to do was just cry and stop trying. Crying took too much energy. Daily grind of shots in the stomach, bruises, blown out veins, no blood left to give the angry woman at 5a.m., bile eating my skin up where the tube was taped to my nose, teeth and ears aching from three months of NG tubes. The blur that was my life. It was nearly Christmas and I still did not know when I was going to go home or if my guts were ever going to wake up. Even if they did I would have to go through several more months with my intestines sticking out of my side and yet another surgery where I could just finally die. There is so much to be thankful for this year. It has been such a hard year. It has been such a bittersweet year. So much bad has happened and so much good has happened it is such a strange mix.

I know you have heard all of this before. Tough shit. My repetition is a good reminder of what you need to be thankful for. The ability of all of your organs to function normally, love and support of your family, drinking and eating without tubes down your nose and throat, eating healthy food and going to the bathroom like a normal person. Mostly in that order. Yeah, something like that. Anyway...

This is the situation though. If it weren't for my ever growing pants size and my inability to consume raw fruit and veggies without causing my digestive system to freak the hell out, life would be perfect. My picture is changing again. It is like hitting the button to rewind three years and add back on the forty pounds I lost. Only instead of the hell that was seven years of agonizing gall bladder disease and attacks, complicate the picture by the residual problems of the last two years of trauma to my internal organs, muscles, and skin. I am trying so hard not to get totally depressed by it. In fact, I just keep ignoring it. However, I am not fooling myself by just being thankful to be alive. I want to be healthy and feel good too. I shouldn't have to settle for this. I have worked so hard to just exist. Why can't I just function dammit?

I am back to avoiding the mirror, avoiding having my picture taken, hiding as much as I can. I hated having to buy new jeans to wear to Ohio because I have a closet full of clothes I am no where near able to fit into. I am just trying to avoid the obvious toxic state of my being because I have no idea how to fix it. I have given in to the fact that the only way to be able to get along in daily life and have some relief from the constant digestive hell is to eat in a manner that slows my digestion to a pseudo-manageable pace, literally congesting my system on purpose. I know if I eat lots of bread, pasta, meat, and potatoes and not much else that I may not have to spend the night trying real hard to do lamaze breathing and relaxation techniques while I grit my teeth and my body turns itself inside out. Eating heavy keeps my nightmare episodes (symptoms akin to Colitis, IBS, Spastic Colon, Crohn's Disease) to as much of a minimum as I can possibly manage and when that doesn't quite keep it at bay I take drugs like Bismuth and Immodium AD to slow it even further. When I say take, I mean drink several doses a day of Pepto just to be able to go to the grocery, to the park, and all of those other places I can't seem to get to without getting sick. Then if I take more than half of one Immodium pill my digestive system shuts completely down, for days at a time. Sounds like a fine alternative until you have eaten several meals without eliminating. Then you are just toxic. If I move around too much I just kick start the whole problem. So going out for a brisk walk is pretty much out of the question most days, pasta or no pasta. Sometimes I go for a week or so being fine. I am so thankful for those breaks. Then I have days of sickness. It is unpredictable, uncontrollable, and unbearable pain. Being sick takes a lot of energy. You would be shocked at how tiring it is. So going out for a brisk walk is pretty much out of the question most days, pasta or no pasta.

The ultimate problem with the way I have to eat and live is that it doesn't matter whether I am constantly eliminating or constantly congesting and sedating my system, I am still gaining weight rapidly and I just don't know what the fuck to do anymore.

Posted by gwendolyn on December 22, 2003 at 01:19 AM