Institutionalized

I have been disconnected from the morphine for a whole day. I hadn't been using it very much anyway. I probably only pushed the button about a dozen times in the entire week. Last time I was here they were refilling my pump at least once a day, sometimes twice. I made it the entire week on one vial this time.

After I guilted myself over giving in to the morphine after the first day or so (see last post) I was determined not to become a big wuss and live on the meds. I went all day yesterday with no pain medication at all. I ended up asking for one Percoset last night just to try to get comfortable enough to sleep.

I am pretty sore and swollen still. I felt like QFU the first day or so and now I am not feeling like such a badass after all. It seemed to take a couple of days of post-surgery swelling and general yuckiness for me to start feeling the complete crappiness that is my abdominal situation. I think it takes a day or so for the anesthesia and initial post-op drugs to wear off and for the real misery to set in. However, this morning I asked for some regular old Tylenol. I am not in the habit of taking that either. I am hoping not to have to go home and stay in a drug induced state of constant dry mouth and napping. I want my life back. I don't have anymore time or patience for pain or drugs. I am ready to feel good for a change.

The food they are serving doesn't really help the situation. I seriously wonder who decides what sick people really need to build their immune systems back up. I didn't get to pick my own meals. They just brought me whatever they felt like bringing yesterday. I don't think there are much vitamins, minerals or enzymes left in the mystery meatloaf, mashed potatoes and gravy, overcooked peas, white bread and margerine they are serving. I know I have a lot of nerve complaining about the food when I am honestly extremely grateful that I can actually eat. I just think that the nutritional value of the food they are serving to people with various health problems needs to be reconsidered. The menu is filled with choices that even most doctors would advise you to stay away from. I am struggling to get my digestive tract to function at all, meanwhile they are feeding me sludge that would cause serious Rolaid popping heartburn, constipation and bloating in most normal healthy people. Something is wrong with this picture. I can't help but think a few fresh foods and real fruit juice would help me get things moving better.

My IV came out into the back of my hand again. This is the second time that has happened this week. I woke up to the pain shooting through my hand at four this morning. The first time I knew something was wrong and she just turned it back on anyway and ended up not only filling my hand full of fluid for an entire afternoon she pushed 30cc of Toradol directly into my hand. It burns going in anyway, so having it pushed underneath the skin in your hand really fucking hurts. I spent a whole night with hot compresses trying to relieve the swelling and burning. This time I told the the nurse that if she had to put another one in she could but since I am supposed to go home today and I am no longer getting any meds through it anyway it seemed pointless to go through restarting it somewhere else. It is nearly impossible to get into my veins. They are tiny and nearly invisible. Some times they have even used neonatal needles when trying to put them in. When they do hit them they usually roll and blow out. It took three different people trying and four blown out veins in my hands to get this second one started. They actually ended up putting it into a site they had stuck twice before and blown out. I don't know how that is possible. I thought you couldn't use a vein that had been blown out. At any rate, it hurt like a bitch and I am usually a very good sport about the whole thing. I didn't think I could take that again so early in the morning just to have it stay in for a few hours. She decided I was right but that she was going to tell the doctors that I refused to let her restart one. To save her own ass, of course.

Poor Savannah has been an emotional wreck for the last few days. She has actually been crying for me and carrying my red ball cap around with her. She wanted to stay the night with me last night so badly. I felt so sorry for her when she got on the elevator to go home. I could hear her crying as it started to go down. Then the doors opened a few seconds later and they had come back up just so she could hug me again. It was heart breaking. I convinced her that she needed to go home and get out her Easy Bake oven and make me a cake to celebrate me coming home today. I hope that helped. She loves to cook. I just hope Mom let/helped her. All of them have been through so much with all of this. It has been really hard.

We met another couple that are here that are around our ages. They were here when we were last time. This time she had ileostomy reversal surgery a few hours before me. Same procedure, different surgeon, different reason. So we have gotten to know each other as we shuffle down the halls pushing our poles. Yesterday we really compared war stories and ended up spending some time in their room late last night watching One Hour Photo with Robin Williams. That was one strange movie. I can't decide who's nightmare is worse, except that hers is an ongoing one so I guess hers is. She seems to think mine is. I think both situations are pretty much completely horrible. It has been nice though having someone who knows exactly what it is like. I don't think she is getting to go home today. I feel for her. They live in Tampa. Maybe we could keep in touch. We'll see.

Posted by gwendolyn on March 07, 2003 at 06:02 AM