Me And My Shadow

I honestly wish this whole medical disaster were over with so I could get back to being me, back to posting random funny perverted conversations, good ideas I try real hard to stick with but never seem to follow through with, things that make me feel something other than sad and just everyday normal stuff that makes me... Me.

Somehow, I just can't. No matter how normal I want to feel I have all of this stuff lurking in the shadows waiting to cause anxiety and trauma. I can pretty much be regular old me until I sit down here to write a post. Then it all goes to shit again and all I can talk about is the feeling of impending doom. I wonder why that is.

I guess it isn't just when I am writing here, it is also when I look at my children and wonder if I will see them grow up, when I ride around in the car and realize the world is so big and I am so small, and when I think about planning for anything past two weeks from now and stop myself because there may just be no point in it. I have to stop and think about maybe being in misery in the hospital, or worse, not being here at all. I fucking hate this. I know it is a sick morbid way to think. It can't be too healthy that is for sure. So why can't I stop? Why can't I just believe that very good things are about to happen to me? Everyone else keeps trying to tell me that it is going to be easy and good. I don't trust anyone anymore. It is sad.

Posted by gwendolyn on February 24, 2003 at 12:49 AM