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Never Enough

I found out this morning that the hospital and doctors treating me are no longer going to be covered by my insurance as of Thursday. I was having a hard time accepting having to go back in to do all of this simply because I am just now feeling pretty normal again and really very tired of being sick and in pain. The consolation prize was to get through it all alive and eventually be healthy and intact. However, now it seems I'm not going back at all and I am having an even harder time with that.

For the last four months in the back of my mind I have been preparing myself for the possibility that something would happen that would make this situation I am in a permanent one. Just in case something was wrong with me that would prevent the reversal. Though even farther in the back of my mind I never let myself be fully prepared because the idea of having a hole in my stomach and walking around with a plastic bag glued to me for the rest of my life wasn't something I would ever be okay with. It is hard enough to be scarred from top to bottom and side to side with a few puncture holes thrown in for good measure. To have a permanent ileostomy when I have a perfectly healthy large intestine sitting in there not doing anything at all, that is just hard. There could have been a hundred reasons why the reversal couldn't take place. I never dreamed it would be because I couldn't afford it.

I was told there is a window of opportunity for me to be able to have it reversed. By the time I save enough money to cover the part they will want up front of the 40% the insurance won't pay for a non-network provider the window may be closed. On the other hand, I may be able start over with different doctors and hospital who takes my insurance. Would they know what to do about all of the things that have been wrong with me? Would they know all my quirks and be able to handle things should I try to bleed to death on the table or the blood clots in my lungs decide to cause trouble? It is hard to think of trying to explain this whole mess to a whole new set of specialists. Even if I could would there be enough time?

I can't seem to beat this thing. No matter what I do to get through it, it's never enough.

Posted by gwendolyn on February 10, 2003 at 02:11 PM