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Invisable Scars

I am having yet another sleepless night. I suppose it is better than a nightmare filled one. It seems I am in the habit now of becoming completely anxiety crazed the moment my head hits the pillow. My body is sore and tired but my brain won't stop and I can't seem to just let go. It keeps flipping back and forth between flashbacks of the most horrible procedures I had to have done to me and all of the time I spent feeling completely hopeless and helpless in my little private hell and the huge fear I have developed of going back again and the overwhelming fear of something going wrong yet again and not making it out at all this time. It isn't like I am flipping out for nothing. I don't want more tubes and needles and pain. The more I think about how much I love my family and my life and how great everything is being home the more panic I feel. I don't take one minute for granted anymore. I don't look at my husband or my children anymore without thinking about the fact that in a split second I could have died and never seen them again. It was a very real possibility for awhile. It took everything I had to just keep breathing. The more I realize how much I really love my life the more I am afraid I will lose it. I still hurt. I am still having trouble when I breathe. I still walk around like an eighty year old woman. I am bruised all over. I get exhausted easily. Not to mention the ileostomy and scars. The shitty part is that I have to go do it again. The hell isn't over yet. I have to go back and trust these people that did all of these painful things to me all over again. I have to let them do more horrible things to me knowing bad things could happen to me and that I could end up a lot worse than I am now. I am having a very hard time with that. I have been through some really horrible shit in my life. I can handle a lot of things. This I can't handle. I almost didn't see my babies grow up. I still may not. I just want this all to go away. I really could use some peace.

Posted by gwendolyn on January 25, 2003 at 04:03 AM