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Webcam

Hello. It is me. I got moved to a regular room today. This is good news. My digestive system is still shut down and I am still having a lot of trouble expanding the lower part of my lungs which are still collapsed. I have a tube down my nose and throat draining my stomach that makes it impossible to swallow or breathe through my nose properly. It is causing a bit of a sore throat and sinus thing. I have a nifty vacuum suction thing I keep sticking in my mouth. Gross huh? :) my torso is kind of burning all over and sore at all of the puncture and incision sites. There are lots of tubes hanging out of my belly and arm. I have an ileostomy. I have a very long incision with staples. This all is incredibly overwhelming for me to deal with at times. Along with the morphine masked pain that seems to be neverending. I am attempting to reconnect with the outside world despite my difficulty with speaking with the tube. So if I haven't talked to you on the phone or haven't been able to talk long I apologize. I want to thank everyone who have sent cards and flowers and balloons and have called, emailed, and posted kind things. I will be in touch individually as soon as I can. Each day poses new obstacles and some days I handle better than others. I miss my children so much that everytime I think about it I burst into tears and it adds to the existing problems. There have been days when I was just ready to die. There have been days when I just sob and ramble about how not fair it all is and how I just can't do it anymore. There have been fevered incoherent days I don't remember. Most days I just keep trying to see the progress and not let the setbacks take over. This is the hardest thing I have ever been through. I hope they fix me. I hope they don't cut on me anymore. Terry tells me I am so strong. They aren't standing around giving me a choice. Hopefully, the worst is over. I can't imagine things getting much more horrific than they already have been. I have to go try to get comfortable enough to sleep now. Also, If you have babies hug them very tight right now and be so happy you are there for them. If you have a significant other tell them how much you can't live without them and act like every minute is your very last to be with them. Don't take anything for granted, including the air you breathe. I know I sound like a freak but you wouldn't believe what it is like to be in this situation.

Posted by gwendolyn on November 09, 2002 at 09:45 PM