Spent today at the hospital. Lots of poking and pushing and needles and machines. I don't know for sure yet what is going on but I have had some weird freaky stuff going on for the last week and...well... I am really just sick of the whole fucking thing to be blunt. I just want to be normal. Yeah, I know. I meant normal for me.

Can't sleep. Monkey works tomorrow and is leaving before dawn Saturday. I, the pillar of strength (yeah, that was a joke), am up crying my eyes out until they are going to be completely swollen shut in the morning. I still can't cope with this conference bullshit even when I know it is going to happen every single year and I have months of warning. As usual I will be partially distracted. Between this, medical issues and visitors in route I have my worrying material pretty much booked solid for the week. Somehow, it doesn't make up for it. In so many ways I will still feel very alone. It is hard to explain. I need him. He understands my insanity. Sort of.

I have three lively children. I am rarely ever "alone". Our complete little family is a puzzle though. We are different. Things are good. We have a groove. It is very special. When one of us is gone we are out of our groove. It is like a piece of that puzzle is missing and it sucks. Some would argue that having a break from each other is healthy and good for our relationship. I say... fuck that, they all can bite my ass.

Posted by gwendolyn on July 19, 2002 at 02:21 AM