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Okay. I need to pull out of this thing. Whatever it is.

One of the things that has come out of all of this recent negativity, self pitty and depression is lack of positive focus on getting my rear end (and the rest of me) back into shape. I keep thinking that since I have had all of this surgery and now more problems requiring surgery I shouldn't push myself. But the truth is that the more I don't move around the less energy I have and the more I sink into this depression. Health issues or no health issues. I am getting weaker, not stronger. I can tell by constant sleepiness, lack of desire to do anything, and by the new talent i have for going from perfectly normal to room spinning, eyes blacking out, and ears ringing.

I spent a lot of time hiding in my bed today and yesterday moping and whining and let the kids run wild and do whatever they wanted. Wishing for the list of things going wrong to quit piling more things on. They thought I rocked. I thought I was just doing my best to cope and not let them notice that I am losing faith in everything including myself. Once again, I am sliding down a slippery slope.

All this stuff kind of reminds me of dog sitting. You know, the girl being dragged down the street by ten different huge yelping dogs on leashes. The dogs represent the problems in my life that I juggle and have to keep constant control of. (My dogs are all huge snarling ones with bad tempers and big teeth, of course.) When one of those dogs gets a wild hair and starts getting out of hand the rest seem to follow it's lead. If you have ever noticed, when shit hits the fan in one part of your life all the other parts seem to also. Pretty soon the leashes get all tangled and chaos sets in and you end up losing hold of a couple and then all control of the entire situation is lost. Right now I am being dragged at full speed down the pavement on my face. In the end everything destroyed in my wake. Including me. The only thing left to do is stand up and dust myself off, wrestle all the dogs back into place and regain control over the situation. I have to show all those big mean dogs who's boss.

Right now I can't snap my fingers and make my medical problems go away. I can't hurry up and make the financial department at the hospital agree wholeheartedly with me that it is their own fault my insurance is penalizing me a large portion of what I owe them for something I had no idea about or control over and that they should drop that large sum of money from my bill and apologize for the hell I am going through. I can't make my debts stop multiplying like rabbits and simply disappear. I can't and don't want to have to try to make people like me for who I am and what I am about instead of what they want to change me into or think I should be.

What I can do is start trying to take better care of myself. I can move to a place that makes me happy and want to be outside moving around. I can make a home somewhere (at least for now). I can stop focusing on comfort food and start focusing on healing food. I can take off the weight I have allowed to slip back on. I can get my immune system built back up by improving my health and fitness as I have been sick every other day with everything under the sun since the operation and transfusion. Seriously. Maybe everything else will start healing too. I can keep striving to get my bills paid off and start taking notice of the little improvements. I can stop focusing on the relationship problems I am having with different people and get on with my life. I can regain control. I can find the positives. The first step is getting out of the bed.

Posted by gwendolyn on June 26, 2002 at 01:12 AM