I want to go to Germany too. Dammit. My son better take me to see castles when he grows up.

For now I will have to be content to stay here and custom sew matching pillowcases and shower curtains. I will concentrate on coordinating picture frames and candlesticks. I am playing house recently. In a huge dramatic way. I have reluctantly given up my dream of permanent homelessness. We have decided... to be...(gulp) domestic*. Yes, I know. It is a shock.

If I must be domestic then I am most certainly going to do it properly. I want to have place settings and good silverware and cute napkin rings and dinner parties and serve wine in expensive crystal glasses with little trinkets around the stems so that we can tell whose is whose. I want scrolled mirrors in the entrance and plush rugs. I want to wake up in the mornings under layers and layers of pretty ruffled sheets to a peachy orange sunlit room and the smell of fresh coffee in the kitchen. I want vases of tall fresh cut flowers in every room and have use for a tea service and a glass cake plate with a dome lid and those little paper doilies that you put under fresh bagels and muffins. I want flowering plants, candle sconces and a tall comfy bistro set for breakfasts on the balcony. I want real wooden bookcases, a coffee table big enough to eat at while watching a movie with the children on a Friday night, some sort of cool floor lamp, and a red sofasleeper in the den. I want my bath towels huge and fluffy and rolled perfectly in a pretty wicker basket and vanilla tea light candles all around the edge of my bathtub. I want a thick soft Victoria's Secret bathrobe hanging on a brushed chrome hook on the back of the bathroom door and matching slippers. I want freshly painted walls and crisp tablecloths. I want a clean sidewalk for the kids to play on. I want a driveway for making chalk hopscotch squares on. I want a place where my children can climb monkeybars and swing and play in the sand. I want to not be afraid to go to the pool or take a walk at dusk. I want to put Ferris in a garage and not worry as I am putting my key into the door lock that someone else is scraping their keys along the side of my car. I want to not have the urge to cross my fingers everytime I go out there that it isn't sitting on blocks. I want a full sized washer and dryer. I want endless snuggling and butterfly kisses. I want the excitement of the children thundering down the stairs on Christmas mornings and Easter eggs hidden under the foot of the sofa.

There are way too many "I wants" to count. I am so selfish.

*do·mes·tic  Pronunciation Key  (d-mstk)

Meanwhile, there is trouble on the horizon. Again. More hospital stays. More cutting. Hopefully, more healing. I have to concentrate on being horribly selfish and spoiled so that I don't focus on being terribly afraid.

Posted by gwendolyn on June 19, 2002 at 08:08 PM