Today started on a really high note. Hope's strep culture came back negative. YAY. We got to stay home in our jammies all day and download Christmas music, decorate the house, and read about all of the traditions of Christmas and how and why they all came about. I am even just about finished Christmas shopping, which gives me a bit of an upset stomach at the amount of money I have spent. Otherwise, It was fairly enjoyable except for the fact that there is absolutely nothing in the house to feed the kids and nothing to clean the growing pile of laundry with. Sometimes not having my own vehicle is such a pain in my ass. But I know that having two vehicles would drastically affect our finances. Payment, insurance, gas, and the fact that going anywhere usually requires spending money of some sort. Been there, done that. It isn't pretty.

This evening I got on the scale. I am still gaining weight. I am currently freaking out about it. I have spent the last couple of hours reading everything I can get my eyes on about low carb diets. Admittedly, I haven't been sticking to much of anything lately. I have been really horrible. I disgust myself. When I feel like this, everyone around me feels it. I am not fun. I am not nice. I am bitchy and weepy and pissed off at the world. I feel desparate and hopeless. I have lost my grip on whatever it was that was working for me. It has been a year since my surgery. It has been a year that I have been able to physically eat whatever I want. Translated, that means it has been a year of struggling because I have no will power and low confidence. In March, when I was pampering myself with tanning appointments, trips to the salon, and new clothes, I felt so good. I felt healthy. I liked what I saw when I looked at myself. I liked that hollow feeling in my middle instead of this horrible bloated one. I realize this all sounds like a broken record. It sounds the same in my head. I want the new and improved me back. Fucking hell.

Posted by gwendolyn on December 04, 2001 at 06:20 PM