STYLE
Quiet
Loud
Muted
Whisper
Scream


RECENT ENTRIES
Sunnyside Up
The Long And Short of December
Kicking Up Our Heels, Literally
Just To Be Near You
It's All Good (Even Nog Sans Rum)


ARCHIVES
January 2005
December 2004
November 2004
October 2004
September 2004
August 2004
July 2004
June 2004
May 2004
April 2004
March 2004
February 2004
January 2004
December 2003
November 2003
October 2003
September 2003
August 2003
July 2003
June 2003
May 2003
April 2003
March 2003
February 2003
January 2003
December 2002
November 2002
October 2002
September 2002
August 2002
July 2002
June 2002
May 2002
April 2002
March 2002
February 2002
January 2002
December 2001
November 2001
October 2001
September 2001
August 2001
July 2001
June 2001
May 2001
April 2001
March 2001
February 2001
January 2001
December 2000


OTHER VOICES


MISCELLANEOUS
Webcam

I am awake at stupid hours obssessing about whether or not everything is going to go perfect tomorrow and hoping that I have done enough not to appear to be the suckiest mom in the whole universe. You would think by the way I have checked and double checked my list and organized the activities and supplies that I was getting ready for a wedding instead of preschool co-op meeting. I just want it to be good.

Sleep hasn't been kind to me recently anyway. I am sitting here trying to mellow out to The Captain by Kasey Chambers so I can hopefully stop stressing myself into nightmares. Last night I dreamed that I had left Hope in my bedroom watching television in a second floor apartment we moved to, to go down to the back courtyard to talk to the manager lady about the noises and weird things that were going on in our second bedroom in the apartment that mysteriously didn't have a window or fire escape like all the rest of the buildings. As I kept an eye on Hope watching Sesame Street through the window, she was telling me about the past fire that had killed two little girls and that they did indeed haunt my apartment and that there mistakenly was no bedroom window or fire escape re-added to the side of the building during the rebuilding of that part of the building. Just as I was about to kick her ass for putting us in a known haunted apartment, she noticed smoke starting to bellow from the roof of the building where that room was located. Split seconds later I am trying to scale the side of the building to get to Hope and the wall starts to fall down and Hope is trying to climb out of my bedroom window onto a railing as it was falling and she is screaming "Mama, Mama I emmm skeeeeeewd. Help me! Help me!" And the fire is trying to swallow her up and she is just out of my reach. And I can here the voices of the spirits of the little girls who had died in there before giggling as little girls do.
At that exact moment I woke up to Hope in a panic, trying to climb into my bed, and saying "Mama, Mama help me I am skeeeewd." She had gotten up and we were all asleep and she was coming back into my room after investigating the kids sleeping in the other room. Maybe I was screaming in my sleep. I dunno.

Just another typical Gwen dream. There are a million of them. Most of them much much worse than that one. Sometimes, especially when I dream about Terry's (usually graphic painful) death and me always in some sort of insane state of freaking out and deep mourning, I wake up screaming and crying. October 30th I had a dream about that after an evening of being drilled on at the dentist and he felt sorry enough for my emotional trauma to stay home with me for the day.

I admit that I was pretty shaken up about this one for a few hours after I woke up this morning too. I had to hug Hopie extra hard a few times. I wonder where Terry and the other two children were in my dream. I hope they were somewhere safe.

Posted by gwendolyn on November 07, 2001 at 01:16 AM