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Most people don't put a whole lot of thought into a birthday. To some people they pass by without a lot of fuss or attention, sometimes they are dreaded. When you are a teenager you want them to hurry up and when you are a grandmother you want them to go backward. But when you are a very small child you don't even understand what your birthday means aside from cake and blowing out candles and presents to unwrap. But when you are a very young child you usually celebrate it with the people whom it means a whole lot to.

I said earlier that tomorrow my youngest daughter will be two years old. What does that mean? Well, when a lot of thought isn't put into it, it just means that she will be two and there will be a little party and we will take pictures and unwrap presents and then it will be over...the end.

However, I tend to put a lot of thought into these things. I didn't plan an elaborate party for her. Why? Simply because there is no one to invite to an elaborate party except our immediate family. We don't need an elaborate party to realize the importance of her birthday. That doesn't make it less important than a normal birthday party with tons of guests and big flashy accessories. Because it is, in fact, extremely important. It just means that we very well may conduct the party in our pajamas and eat our cake all piled in our bed if we like and it will be just as fun, just as exciting, and just as important as any other birthday celebration would be. Why? Because she will be surrounded by the four people who are closest to her. It will be important because our little family is a very tightly and intricately wound little system and we know that we are all that we really need in the world. This doesn't mean that we don't love the people who won't be here. It doesn't mean that they aren't important and missed. Because they are. It just means that what is most important, is that our little tribe is together and happy.

For me, her birthday brings flashbacks of all of the monumental moments that have happened in the last two years. It makes me happy to have been able to enjoy her growth and happiness from newborn to toddler. It makes me amazed at how smart and beautiful and absolutely wonderful she is. It makes my heart ache that my baby is not a baby anymore, but a maturing little lady with her own attitude and her own little personality. She is far from that sweet smelling tiny helpless bundle that depended on my body to give her life, that depended completely on me to soothe her fear of a brand new world and nourish her and keep her safe. Mirroring my emotions toward Savannah turning four, I am so overwhelmed by the fact that tomorrow she will be two.

When you meet your child in their very first moments of life, it is like no other thing in the world. When you lay eyes on the most amazing little creation and know that you helped it happen and know that it is now your responsibility and the highest privilege to be a part of, it is the most important thing you will ever feel. Their first cry will be the most emotional thing you will ever have felt. All of the firsts in your child's life, are so important. These are the memories that will shape you as a parent. Yet, all of the milestones have eventually become a blur. I wish they were all crystal clear to me. I wish I could remember each and every one of their firsts. But because life seems to happen when you aren't looking, and because memories do fade in time, these things get lost in the shuffle of daily life. And then you blink your eyes....and they are turning two, or four, or almost eight. And even if it isn't their first birthday...it is the first time and the last time they will ever be exactly at that point. And the farther down the road you get the more you will realize how important these things really are.

It is happening more and more, that I realize that they aren't staying little for nearly as long as I thought they would. So, with that realization, I should also realize the importance of making the most of each and every minute of every day I have with them. Because soon I will blink and they will be grown. And that frightens the crap out of me. I can't imagine myself without little tiny arms hugging me around my legs and the sound of little voices calling me mommy. I can't imagine what it will feel like when I am not cool enough to hang out with anymore. I can't imagine my life when they are grown. I can't remember what my older two sounded like when they were two. I can't remember exactly what they looked like the day they took their first steps or got their first tooth. I wish like hell I could.

Posted by gwendolyn on July 09, 2001 at 01:03 AM