STYLE
Quiet
Loud
Muted
Whisper
Scream


RECENT ENTRIES
Sunnyside Up
The Long And Short of December
Kicking Up Our Heels, Literally
Just To Be Near You
It's All Good (Even Nog Sans Rum)


ARCHIVES
January 2005
December 2004
November 2004
October 2004
September 2004
August 2004
July 2004
June 2004
May 2004
April 2004
March 2004
February 2004
January 2004
December 2003
November 2003
October 2003
September 2003
August 2003
July 2003
June 2003
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April 2003
March 2003
February 2003
January 2003
December 2002
November 2002
October 2002
September 2002
August 2002
July 2002
June 2002
May 2002
April 2002
March 2002
February 2002
January 2002
December 2001
November 2001
October 2001
September 2001
August 2001
July 2001
June 2001
May 2001
April 2001
March 2001
February 2001
January 2001
December 2000


OTHER VOICES


MISCELLANEOUS
Webcam

Lately, I have placed huge restrictions on what I write here. There are several reasons. I guess because I now realize that people are reading what I am writing and I feel the need to live up to some sort of standard. The point is that during this really stressful and emotional time for me I haven't had this outlet. I am bottling things up for whatever reason... I shouldn't think too much about that aspect of it. It inhibits the natural flow of how I write and what I write about. However self-pitying and stupid it all may seem to whom ever may read it, tough.

I am feeling particularly awful right now. This wasn't the day it was supposed to be. I wasn't the me I should have been. The really awful part of it is that I can't go back and do it all over the right way and erase anything I said or did wrong. I can't take back the hurt I wished like hell I hadn't caused. I can't change the hatred anyone felt for me today or any day for that matter.

Some days I just wish I could try my life all over again to see if I can at least get something about myself right the next time around. Some days I just want to go live in the woods. Most days I just want to feel like I do not fuck up everything I do.

I cannot even begin to describe the pure exhaustion and temptation I have been experiencing to just randomly crawl into bed and sleep through everything I feel my brain cannot handle, all of the conflict, and all of the things I feel I have no personal control over. Then the constant insomnia and worrying and a feeling of mourning and failure that I am fighting in the silent hours of laying in bed listening to the sounds of my house at night. It is then that every disappointment I am,everything I am not, every shortcoming, every horrible feeling overwhlems me. I am so tired. I am so sorry.

Posted by gwendolyn on June 18, 2001 at 12:35 AM