Last night I watched film that I had taken when each of the children were newborns. I watched film of Logan (the oldest little person) at age two and three. I cried. A lot. I mourned the loss of their babyhood. I mourned the loss of my own memories as I barely recognized them. I mourned the fact that I have lost two years of filming Hope as a newborn and a baby, as we have not had a camera since 1999.

I wanted to run upstairs and grab them all out of their bed and hold them tight and kiss their soft little cheeks and cuddle with them. I didn't. Maybe I should have. Someday they won't be there. Someday they will think I am an insane old woman for wanting to rock them like babies.

I was saddened by the realization that my children are much different now than they were then. I am much different now than I was then. As much as I want to say that my relationship with them has been nothing but loving and nurturing over these years, I cannot lie. I often judge harshly and scream loudly and even spank them though I know in my heart it isn't what I want to do. I grew up obeying my parents out of pure fear. I do not want that to be the reason my children behave. I want them to know what it means to be respectful, courteous, and helpful. I want them to respect me out of love and admiration. How can you possibly admire or love someone who yells at you and hits you? I read so much about attachment parenting and know that at one point in my life that is what I was. I know that somewhere inside me, that is still who I am.

When the pressure is on, I don't reach inside for what I know is right. I reach into my past for my own experience as a child and how my parents handled the situation. I don't know why I do this because honestly it is the last thing on earth I want to do. Today is a new day. I have a new perspective. I will be the mother I want to be from now on. I promise this to my children and to myself.

Posted by gwendolyn on May 16, 2001 at 09:43 AM