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Blogger has been having a rough time of it over the last couple of days, making it nearly impossible for me to post. I forgive it though. I haven't really had much to say.

I am struggling with a new problem. My monkey and I had a discussion this weekend about a super quick way to pay off all of our debt. We talked about looking for a place in September (when our lease expires) that would be at least half to two thirds of our current rent. This seems like a sensible thing to do. However, the thought of going backward freaked me out completely. The difference between this being a step backward and a step forward is very sketchy. In ways it feels like going backward because we have lived in some of the most horrible places. We have dealt with some of the most undesirable living conditions known to man. For the price that this would allow us to pay, it would probably require going back to those kinds of conditions. The step forward being that it would be a move made out of choice not necessity. It would be extremely short term and it would allow us to move forward once again with a clean slate, most likely a savings, and endless possibilities. It would give us the opportunity to resolve our current situation quickly and relatively painlessly. The thing that freaks me out is that up until this point, all I have talked about is simplifying, downsizing, and becoming free of the complication of having the expenses we have. Then when it all came down to it… I took a look around.

Even though this place is an apartment and most certainly not a permanent home for anyone including our tribe, it is THE only place we have moved to within the last nine years that I wasn’t praying I would get out of within six months. I wake up every morning reasonably pleased with my home. I drive through my town with a smile on my face because it is beautiful. Yes, the people here are rude bastards. But all in all, it is nice.

As much as I loved my little yellow house in Iowa, I hated being there until it was time to leave. I didn’t want to leave when it finally was possible. I know that having Hope four weeks prior to the move had something to do with that. I finally felt like we had some sort of roots there. Now the year of living there seems like a fleeting memory. If I weren’t still paying for it, it would seem like it never happened.

I envisioned our departure from here a little differently. I thought it would either happen when I convinced everyone that being a nomad could really be a good thing, or when my Monkey left his current employment for whatever reason and we packed up and moved to another employment location. I never planned on buying a house here. I know myself better than to make that mistake twice. If we leave here in September, it won’t be to live in a mansion with a manicured lawn and an indoor pool. It won’t be to pack up our rig and head out for destination unknown. It will be to take another step backward so that we might move forward again someday. I feel so selfish for not really wanting to do it again, when all I talk about needing is resolution and piece of mind.

Posted by gwendolyn on May 16, 2001 at 09:21 AM