I am having one of those moments. The one where I lay in bed exhausted and wanting to pass out, but the mind is reeling about the zillion different obstacles and insecurities that I have to overcome. As I lay there willing myself to close my eyes and let it all go, I question every decision I have made as a parent, and a home educator. It seems to be that my moments of terrifying self doubt wait until I really need to go to sleep to creep up on me.

My husband made the comment yesterday as we contemplated vacation destinations , that we live "on vacation" and that we should go somewhere where we actually know people for a few days. It is true. We live in a very vacation-like setting. The weather is beautiful all of the time, and there is plenty to do. I love it, but it has it's drawbacks. Can you believe it? I know I should be shot. There are people in Russia with temperatures of -50F. But I bet they have other people around to cuddle with.

We have met very few people here. None that are more than casual aquaintances. And none that we feel that our lives are compatible with enough to spend a lot of time together. Sometimes I really miss interacting with our families, my children miss them all very much. I just don't see myself ever moving back to our hometown. I have done it several times, each time I was very anxious to move on again. I just can't live there. For so many reasons...I just can't.

My children are educated at home for various reasons that I could spend days upon days discussing at great length. I am a firm believer that I am doing the greatest thing in the world for my children. It is up to me to provide them with opportunities to interact with other people. I think it is very important for them to be involved with other children as well as people of all ages. I also am afraid that I am failing in that aspect of this whole thing. And it is eating me alive. I really must find something that interests them within our community. Something fun,educational, and social to involve them in. The trouble is mostly with timing and resources. Apart from actual work book lessons, managing the housework, errands, finances, and various appointments we all require, along with stealing a few hours a day spending fun time with each other, there really is no time left. We are a very busy family without adding anything to the mix.

I have joined a support group for home educating families in our county. The trouble there lies mostly with the distance we live from everything they seem to offer. We have one vehicle so that is a constant juggle. I have also have had traumatic encounters with some people within that group that I don't think are good for my children, or any children for that matter. Long story. The point is that being in a support group doesn't always mean making tons of friends and living happily ever after. Sometimes, it means you learn the hard way that some people who claim to care about children and other people in general are hateful, self centered gossips and liars.

So this is becoming a huge challenge for me. I have very young children that would be in tow for anything I might get the older one involved in. Sometimes that creates conflict in itself. The middle child also really needs to be involved in things of her own. I am aware that mothers around the globe accomplish these things with very little complication all of the time. Maybe I have a lot on my plate right now. Maybe I am just sleep deprived.

I am just having a moment of panic, that's all. Tomorrow is a new day and a new adventure. Maybe something exciting will happen :)

Posted by gwendolyn on January 08, 2001 at 01:17 AM