Canary Yellow Peterbuilt
I have been reflective this week. I have been reading back through the very few posts of the past year. Some of it has made me really sad and I have cried a little. Partly because it has been a very difficult year with a lot of ups and downs. Some of it has to do with the separation/dissolution, some of it has to do with things that happened after that were some seriously hard learned lessons. Some things are still very difficult. I hate to look back and think I was so naive, but I was. That’s okay though because with experience comes wisdom.
I still worry a lot. My kids are still going through a lot. They are adjusting much better than I ever dreamed but there are things that come up, conversations and moments, stomach aches and hints of nostalgia and sadness. Sometimes it is a daily thing, sometimes we go weeks where nothing comes up. It is hard. It is hard to find the right words for them. I am just grateful that they all feel like they can let some of it out sometimes. They need to let it out. They need to release it all too.
It is also hard to know I can’t give them everything I wish I could right now. It is hard to know I can’t buy them everything they want. We all know it isn’t all about that but it still doesn’t make me feel great that I can’t run out and spend money on things. I love them all so much. I am doing the best I can right now. They know that and they understand. They are the best kids anyone could ask for. I hope they remember that no matter what I am still their Momma. He is still their Dad. Nothing will change that.
However, even with all of that, I am completely amazed at how different my life is today than it was on this day last year. I have made so many friends and reconnected with so many old ones. I am working on something pretty awesome with a man I still can’t believe I am lucky enough to have in my life. He is definitely a blessing.
I was talking to an old friend this past week, filling her in with great enthusiasm on what’s going on in my personal life and how mind blowing the last six months have been and how much better it is than I ever dreamed, she laughed and said “Gwen what you are describing now is exactly what you said you always wanted way back when you were a kid.”
I guess in life you don’t realize what was missing until you have found it. Then it pretty much smacks you head on like a canary yellow Peterbuilt. Funny how that works.
By the way, posts will now be daily again. Need to figure out how to get rid of this old layout though. Time for a facelift.
Posted 04/15/2009 10:20 AM